10 Counseling Alternatives for Monsour’s Pesky 16 Week Waiting Periods

It’s the fifth week of the semester, which means that the novelty of the new year has begun to wear off and oh hey, your crippling depression has come to join the party right on time!

Now that you’ve already cut and/or dyed your hair twice to distract yourself from the hopeless peril of your own mortality, you’ve finally decided to switch browsers from that existentialist cat meme page to Claremont Services to book yourself an appointment at Monsour. But oh hey, you didn’t book your appointment two months in advance and offer a virgin sacrifice to the Monsour gods so your waiting period is approximately 16 weeks.

But not to worry! For 5C students’ mental health convenience, Monsour counseling has compiled a nifty list of counseling alternatives until your appointment comes around:

1. Wander around the Scripps gardens until you find a Scripps squirrel to discuss your deep-rooted insecurities and fear of disappointing your parents with. They are very good listeners and generally display a much wider range of diversity than the actual Monsour counseling staff.
2. Call a Lyft whilst tipsy at 2 am to drive you around the block a few times so you can chat with the driver about your fear that you will never find love due to your inability to ever truly trust anyone.
3. Hit up that CMC fuckboy with a “u up?” text at 3 am— not for sex but so you can make them tuck you in and validate you to distract yourself from your secret fear that, in the end, you are unlovable.
4. Go to the nearest communal fridge and steal a tub of ice cream from the freezer just for the adrenaline rush so you can feel alive again.
5. Write a Claremont Crush to yourself so people can tag you in it and you can feel special for a fleeting, flimsy moment in time. Cry a bit. Eat the ice cream you stole the other day; it tastes almost as good as your parent’s love and acceptance would.
6. Get a green tea at the Motley instead of your usual order. This will fix you.
7. Go to Target and buy more twinkle lights you don’t need to fill the void of existential dread that is your constant companion. Maybe get some Poke too.
8. Contemplate getting a support dog/cat then remember that Monsour won’t let you. Buy another succulent instead.
9. Go to that 10 pm mentor session so you can feel the comforting presence of other human beings. Pretend you’re all just friends hanging out and not just there because there’s a midterm on Tuesday.
10. Go to as many on-campus job fairs as possible. That cute girl in your intro econ class might not want you, but hey, maybe that unpaid summer internship at Planned Parenthood will.