Step 1: Engage with the professor’s work
Send them photocopies of their personal diary, letting them know that you know all about their research, academic pursuits, and regrets about marrying their high school sweetheart.
Step 2: Give them your family background
Let the professor know, gently, that your father is a very powerful man with a very particular set of skills, skills that he’s acquired over a very long career, skills that make him a nightmare for professors like them.
Step 3: Demonstrate your commitment
Go on a hunger strike – if it worked for Gandhi and Chavez, it’ll work for you! Just make sure to send the professor hourly updates about how the lack of nutrition is leading to the slow but certain collapse of your basic motor functions.
Step 4: Relay your interests
Showing your prospective prof your academic and extracurricular interests is a must! Feel free to also tell them about your hobby of hiding dismembered corpses in the Pitzer outback, never to be found by authorities despite months of searches.
Step 5: Be unique
Send the PERM in morse code. This will make you seem intellectual and mysterious – perfect for their class! Plus, they’ll never bother to translate it, so they won’t see the encoded message that tells them the exact coordinates of their mother’s future grave.
Step 6: Grab their attention with a strong hook
It can be hard to sift through so many PERMs. Attaching a link to a live feed of every room in their house is a perfect way to make sure they read your PERM all the way through.
Step 7: Reach out besides the PERM
They still haven’t approved your request. Maybe the message of your PERM wasn’t clear? Leaving dozens of threatening voicemails and suspicious packages on their porch will demonstrate that you’re serious about taking their class, at any cost.
Step 8: Show them your involvement with local organizations
Tell the professor that the FBI has been informed that they are an ANTIFA implant radicalizing the youth. Include a message in a manila envelope that mysteriously appears on their desk that you’ll call off the dogs if they comply and approve your PERM.
Step 9: Switch it up! Make professors send a request to have YOU in the class
The FBI bit didn’t work. Holding their firstborn child for ransom, however, is a surefire way to get the professor to approach you wondering what the fuck is wrong with you. They may even ask whose toddler that is since they don’t have any kids. Oops!
Step 10: Always have a backup plan
Geez, that mix-up with the professor’s kid sure was embarrassing! Remember to only trust intel that comes from your own eyes and not illicit PI practices. The only option now is to erase all evidence of your involvement and start fresh with a new professor. Next time, you won’t make any mistakes!