Yesterday, a great gift was bestowed upon the students of CMC: the gift of responsibility. As the story goes, an unwitting sophomore accidentally emailed a survey to the entire student body without BCC-ing anyone (in laymen’s terms: he started the biggest, most lit group chat in CMC history). What followed was a glorious, shockingly funny school-wide chain email, stretching as far as the mouse could scroll. However, we here at the Golden Antlers are worried that someone will use this newfound power for evil. If the Almighty Groupchat is to exist at CMC, then we’re going to need to set some ground rules. That’s why we created this handy guide of things NOT to post in the new chain email. To be clear, we would be EXTREMELY disappointed if we see even one of these ideas show up in the chain. So please, we beg you, just don’t do it. If at any point you see yourself tempted to copy and paste one of these ideas, stop and ask: “What would the Golden Antlers do?”
- Whatever you do, don’t send a “modified” student conduct code to the entire student body from the email address ThisIsDefinitelyTheRealDOS@hotmail.com. No matter how funny you think it would be to convince half of CMC that we now have to refer to Hiram Chodosh as “The Patron Saint of Synergy,” that would be certifiably Not Cool™.
- Don’t Demand ASCMC Be Dissolved for ‘The Great Email Leaks of 2k17’
Definitely don’t copy paste this email into the chain demanding the immediate dissolution of ASCMC as a result of these email leaks
I, <insert angry student name here>, demand the immediate dissolution of ascmc. It is nothing personal, it is merely political. The emails have been leaked, and our leaders must go. Here is a goodbye haiku. I am crying as I write this, but it must be said:
Goodbye, Goodbye dear
ASCMC, twas great
Now, Cocaine Tuesdays
I’m sorry it had to come this way. But as Benjamin Franklin said, “A government that can’t control it’s emails, can no longer exist.” I’ll see you all at Collins, but you’ll just be normal plebs like me.
- Whatever you do, DO NOT use the email chain to send out a series of cryptic clues that lead to Kravis’s lost fortune, sending everyone at CMC on a frenzied treasure hunt; lives would be lost, the Kravis center would burn to the ground, and only the strong would survive. In the end, though, everyone would realize that the treasure was friendship all along. Unless you say the whole thing was a networking event, in which case you’re probably fine.
- Definitely don’t send this chain email that we’ve taken the time to write out for you in full, so in theory you could just copy and paste it:
Woah you guys you need to try this it’s sooo spooky, it actually works!!!1!! Send this to 12 of your freinds and on the 12fth TNR of the semester you will meet the love of your life!!! You will be beer pong pardners and then you will fall in love and get married after 12 months and have 12 kids and live in 12 mansions! I promise it totally works!!.! IF you send it to 1,338 of your fwends, everything is multipled by 12!!
If you DONT send this to 12 of your friends though, you will be rejected from all of your perm requests and then you will get the last number for room draw and then you will die. It’s very dangerus to ignore so pleeaaeaaaassssseee forward this to 12 of your friends you wont regrets it!!
- Please don’t send your resumé to the entire school. This one’s pretty self explanatory. Like, who would actually do this?
- Whoever just keeps sending the word “penile” over and over needs to fucking stop. It was funny the first seven times, but don’t you think it’s a bit played out by now? Send nudes or you just playin.
- Do NOT use the email chain to send out a ransom note for that prospie you kidnapped a couple months ago. We know you want as many eyes on it as possible, but there’s a good to fair chance that Liam Neeson is on this email chain too, and trust us you just don’t want the hassle.
- Do not – we repeat, do not – send a picture of that rash you’ve had for the past two weeks to ask your fellow students if they think it looks weird. The email chain is not WebMD. We know that the Aetna student health insurance won’t cover a real doctor’s appointment for you because it considers being born a pre-existing condition, but please stop trying to crowdsource your medical care.
- For the last time, the chain email is not a sex hot line. Do not use it as such. Ugh.
- Don’t use it to mass send your manifesto
If you find yourself tempted to send anything remotely resembling this, just don’t:
Our Nation Divided: What CMC Can Do
Given the deep divides in our society and the recent days of uncivil emailing, we want to reaffirm the unifying values of our students, faculty, and staff and all we have learned from them this past week.
At CMC, we have witnessed strong commitments of mutual support and friendship across political lines; reflective, open inquiry about an uncertain world; and a dedication to learn and make a difference in our ASCMC email dictatorship and the campus beyond.
Our freedom to email relies heavily on our courage to treat one another with civility and respect. We must extend this commitment to everyone, not just our friends, but especially those with whom we differ.
Our freedom also depend on our intellectual commitments and our creative dedication to solve the complex problem of giving every student the power to email the whole student body. We have to challenge ourselves to get out of our own bubbles to understand the underlying drivers of division like this in our society. This means extending ourselves to understand the experiences, conditions, and emotions of those we may not know or understand and the powerful historical and current forces that shape our lives. For example, realize that the DL-Students list was the only real power ASCMC ever had.
What can we do?
We urge you to continue to support one another, come together, pose the big questions, and contribute your own emailed answers. We also seek to leverage the powerful expertise and leadership in our community. As part of that effort, on the morning of October 12, 2017, we will hold a community-wide email chain on Our Campus Divided: What CMC Can Do About Chain Emails.
In all our work, we will seek to draw on both our humility and expertise to take a candid look at the divisions in our society. Can we take account of the historical structures and forces of globalization, technological transformation, urbanization, and secularization that deeply affect the underlying dynamics of email chains? Can we develop greater sophistication about our ASCMC email dictatorship and a new wave of commitment to innovation and political leadership in our community? As a College, can we apply our research and learning to identify and design national solutions to our most vexing challenges?
We believe we can.
The Patron Saint of Synergy
To reiterate, we would be morally outraged if anyone took it upon themselves to desecrate the good name of CMC in this manner. Like, we definitely don’t want to become Pitzer Student talk. We have standards, damnit. So, if you decide to put any of these delinquent messages in the hallowed school email chain, just know that the Golden Antlers DOES not support you.
Guidelines brought to you by Brendan Busch ’18, Jacksón Smith ’18