By Anonymous Contributor
CMC Bros: if you go to the 5Cs, odds are you know some things about them. they are big, they are loud, they like salmon shorts, economics and beer pong. But from someone who does not attend the 5Cs (I am in my 7th year of veterinary school), here’s something you might not know: CMC bros are very annoying people to kidnap. They say irritating things, which makes me mad. Here are 10 things I wish CMC bros would stop saying to me when I kidnap them:
- “Where am I?”
Yawn. I didn’t drug you, bind you, blindfold you, and stuff you into the trunk of my 2003 Chevy Impala just to explain where I brought you after. Could this question be any less creative? Ugh. If you must know, we’re in a storage unit that my cousin Roderick rents out. Roderick owns a vape shop.
- “Who the f**k are you?”
Wow. Think you could be a little more polite next time? Maybe I could forgive the language if this question weren’t so very very dumb. Do you want a biography? Do you want to hear about how I keep failing out of veterinary school? No. I’m your kidnapper. You are in my cousin Roderick’s storage locker. That’s all you need to know.
- “When I get these handcuffs off, I’m gonna kick your ass.”
Does this dumb jock even know how much horse tranquilizer is in his bloodstream right now? I certainly don’t. Why do you think I keep failing out of veterinary school?
- “What do you want from me?”
Clearly this meathead has never heard of black market organ sales. Stick with econ, douchebag.
- “If you let me go, my dad will pay you a lot of money.”
Like I’ve never heard that one before. I don’t know just how rich your daddy is, but you know who I can count on to pay me? The triads, after I’ve given them your kidney. Privilege much?
- “Please don’t hurt me.”
Oh, yeah. You can really expect a clean incision from a man who can’t even properly dissect a rat in veterinary school? That’s wishful thinking, “dude.”
- “MMMmmmm HMMM MMPmmPPMMMHHHM”
I’m not sure if it’s the drugs, or the gag in his mouth, but I have absolutely no idea what this bro is trying to say to me. Maybe another CMC bro can mansplain this one to me? Good grief.
- “Just let me go. I swear I won’t tell anyone.”
Oh, I’ll let you go. But only about 95% of you. Because I’m harvesting your kidneys, you misogynist prick. Keep your trash liver though. Not like that’s worth anything.
- “Do you even know what’s gonna happen to you when you get caught?”
Do I look like I’ve never kidnapped anyone before? 25 to life, asshole. What’s it matter? It’s not like I’m ever gonna graduate from veterinary school, anyway.
- “Tell Harambe I love him.”
This comment may have earned this particular bro an extra dose of chloroform, but I can’t say I don’t respect his ability to stay on message. At the point when most of the bros are just uncontrollably sobbing, this guy still found the will to make this dumb, played-out joke. I may not like what they do, but I’ll be damned if they aren’t great at it.
God, CMC bros are the absolute worst to kidnap. I don’t know if I can keep this up for much longer. If it weren’t for their very valuable kidneys, I don’t think I’d be able to put up with them at all. Only a few more before I’ll be able to afford to move out of the basement of Roderick’s vape shop though. Maybe then I’ll finish veterinary school, and I’ll finally be able to pursue my dream of euthanizing dogs. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em, I guess!