It started as a joyous affair. Classmates embraced each other after years of occasionally liking each other’s Facebook posts of their shitty kids. Small talk commenced about how somebody got a nose job and about how somebody tried to friend someone on HANDSHAKE last week. The football game was a blur that nobody cared about. And then to dinner. The three course affair catered by the ever luxurious Collins Dining Hall consisted of quesadilla burgers, chicken drier than Satan’s foreskin, and ice cream. Drinks flowed until somebody miraculously mounted a table and drunkenly hollered that the Hub was selling corn dogs. The drunken masses, indistinguishable from the typical Saturday night crowd, flocked to clog their arteries.
The next morning revealed a mess. Camp Sec, somehow wielding less authority than they usually do, was unable to stop the drunken stupor of the prior night. A dead body, presumably celebrating its birthday, was found in the pond by north quad. Remnants of corn dogs and mozz sticks spotted the collective roofs of Scripps. Pitzer was scattered with cigarette butts that had contained free range tobacco. It was clear that the graduating class of 2007 had a problem.
That’s when our savior arrives. Freshly enthused from attending more than a dozen ice cream socials, Pomona President Gabby Starr sat the alumni down. It was evident that something had to be done. The first step was admitting they, as a group, have a problem. The former CMC Econ majors were the first to speak up, excitedly noting that they “downed like two handles of vodka each” which was echoed by a few exclamations of “gem” and “sick dude.” After the group finally admitted that they have a drinking problem, it was time to get to the root of the problem.
“I don’t know, I guess I got caught up in the moment” says CMC alum Frank Gervis ‘07. “Ever since leaving the 5C’s, I feel like I’ve really been missing something in my life. Yeah I’m making six figures at Deloitte, have two kids, drive the latest BMW, and got married to someone out of my league, but I really feel that my college years is when I really peaked.”
Many past graduates are in the same boat as Gervis, they are feeling as they are missing something in their lives since moving on to the real world. SCR alum Gina Yeatts ‘07 admitted in the meeting “Life post college is rough, I feel like that I’m constantly trying to relive my college days. I know I can always go to Ralph’s and pick up a bottle of Burnett’s, but it’s just not the same when I know I’m not going to be crawling back to GJW at 3 am in the morning.”
However, there is a small minority that feels that they don’t have a problem. Ian Wright PO ‘07 argues that “Look, I’m not an alcoholic. I can handle my liquor just as well as anybody else here. Since I attended the #1 liberal arts college in America, according to Forbes, I think I’m smart enough to know when I need to ask for help. I can stop any time I want.”
After a heated discussion, the consensus was in. The constant pressure that epitomized their time at the 5Cs led to literally every single one of them to quell the tempest of anxiety brewing within them with vodka that was bad enough that it is a suitable substitute for rubbing alcohol. The issue was rampant and likely unsolvable. In all likelihood, this problem will be faced by many 5C graduates in the near future…
AND THAT IS WHY THE GA ENCOURAGES YOU ALL TO BLOW OFF SOME STRESS FROM MIDTERM SEASON BY COMING TO MONTE CARLO!!!! GET CLASSY DRUNK OFF CHEAP WINE BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE bLaCkOuT! IT’S GOING TO BE CRAZY AND YOU’RE A TOTAL NERD IF YOU MISS IT!¡!¡!¡!¡!