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13 Foolproof Lies to Get Your Parents to Send You Money for Alcohol

 

At the lovely Claremont Colleges, artistic passions span every genre: erotic bookbinding, smearing feces on canvas, or whatever writing Fuck the Golden Antlers on the freedom wall was. But the one creative endeavor we all will pursue during our time here is a delicate dance of trickery followed by immense guilt: getting your hardworking parents to send your stupid ass money for alcohol. 

Because just like you, we are also all pieces of shit, we’ve come up with our top foolproof lies to assist you:

1. I have to pay back the school for the emotional damage charges of other students after I accidentally fell onto the kombucha tap butthole first during Mallot brunch. 

2. I need to buy paint so I can ace my guerrilla art class’s final project. What’s my project? It’s Peppa Pig fisting Karl Marx across the entire freedom wall as a social commentary on pop culture’s glorification of Marxism. 

3. I was trying to explore campus, but I got lost around Pomona’s freshman dorms. I haven’t eaten for 20 minutes, peed in 12, and my juul died. A sophomore says he’ll give me a ride on the back on his scooter if I give him $20. Pls hurry I’m literally dying.

4. There is a march in LA about the rights of one-eyed dogs that are emotionally distressed from their experiences of homophobia. Its a cause I’m extremely passionate about and I know this will make a real difference in the world; all I need is a train ticket. 

5. A bunch of kids were talking shit about kids who believe in communism so my friends and I are going to buy a bunch of t-shirts and write “CAPITALISM SUCKS” on them so we can sell them on campus. We expect to turn a profit. I just need the start-up costs and I’ll pay you back with interest.

6. To support female empowerment on campus we’re making a statue of AOC made out of diva cups. If I don’t contribute, everyone will know I believe women are too emotional to be in politics. 

7. I sharted on one of the chairs in the auditorium and the cleaning bill is WAY higher than I thought it would be.

8. I need to buy bandaids for my knees, I scraped them while making my contemporary documentary about fucking my skateboard for my media studies class. It speaks to how beautiful love without boundaries is. 

9. My roommates don’t respect me because I don’t have any piercings. It’s essential that I get several in the next week if I want them to stop passive-aggressively playing only music I’ve never heard.

10. I got mugged by the rat in the laundry room. I’m embarrassed and DON’T want to talk about it more.

11. Laundry prices were increased to 6 euros and I’m doing several loads a week because I have to change my underwear after philosophy because I cream my jeans every time I make direct eye contact with the beautiful eyes of my 85-year-old Chicano professor. 

12. The dean’s wife’s macaroni salad made me have explosive diarrhea in their closest toilette. I owe the dean’s landscaper $800 for a new tree because my filth killed it. 

13. I need a new laptop because mine was fried after I tried to be friends with Mudders by letting them watch their hentai tentacle porn on it. 6.5/10 would consider watching again.

P.S. Mom and Dad I would never ever do this ever bc I am a very gud kid I promise. On a completely unrelated note I need a kit to file my toenails bc they are so long that they are becoming a detriment to my learning. Pls direct transfer $20 to me or I will diE thx love u see u soon.

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