Last week marked a break from tradition for Apple – it unveiled not one, but two new iPhones, including the vibrant iPhone 5C. Below is a brief overview of the new model, inexplicably marketed towards the small consortium of liberal arts colleges in Claremont, California. How does the iPhone 5C stack up to the competition and the iPhone 5Harvard/MIT/Wellesley?
The iPhone 5C was rumored to be the “affordable” iPhone, with the combined price of the phone, data plan, and tuition hitting a reasonable $59,570. Apple Administrators stated, “It’s still less than 60,000!” However, for more cash-strapped consumers, Apple has implemented the brand new “iWorkStudy” option, which involves an individual working in a Shenzhen sweatshop for three years to receive one of the iPhones they assembled with their own raw bloody fingers.
Already, Apple has been criticized for this policy, as users have discovered “hidden fees” like 25 years of paying back iPhone 5C loans. Others find they are unable to realistically retire at any point in life or even possibly gift their own children an iPhone 5C. One user who used the prototype lamented, “I should have never bought the English major app.”
The design, at first glance, is classic Apple with a sleek and minimalist glass exterior. However, the iPhone 5C also offers a companion case that provides a 1 inch deep reflection pond for no discernible reason. Additionally, the rear shell of the iPhone 5C comes in five different colors, which allegedly is causing unforeseen competition among the colors, even though they all benefit from shared color resources.
The front-facing camera has been upgraded with enhanced light sensitivity, which will drastically improve the quality of Instagrammed pictures of students’ feet at the Scripps pool in January. It is also said to statistically reduce the average amount of “selfie” retakes from 25 to a mere 10 different shots. “That number is every possible angle of the face,” says an Apple rep.
The phone will also feature a photo-editing software that will remove “red eye, drunk eyes, and terrible douchebags you didn’t mean to hook up with at Foam” from all photos.
One of the most talked about new features is “Siri Office Hours” which enables the user to fruitlessly ask basic questions of the device for up to three continuous hours, at which point “Siri” will remind the user that she has two digital small children at her iHome, and still hasn’t received tenure, and please just write this essay yourself.
This feature will also be used to replace the passcode lock. Users will now be required to whisper “problematic” softly and pretentiously into the mic for the phone to unlock.
While the iPhone 5C certainly offers a seemingly impressive set of new features and updates, it is probably too expensive and not significantly different enough to replace it for your current iPhone 3GED.
– Ellie McElvain SC ‘14 & Theresa Iker SC ‘14