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16 Things That Would Signal the End of the World at Claremont McKenna College

This list of CMC-centric tragedies are certainly harbingers of a 5C apocalypse. So grab your canned food and first aid kit, because if you see any of these events take place it will certainly be the end of the world as we stags know it.
p.s. You wont be surprised at how many of them have to do with alcohol.

1.   The Hub Goes Vegan

It’s Saturday night after a particularly unpleasant panty-dropping performance by DJ IN2UITION and students are flocking to the Hub.  They salivate over visions of mozzarella sticks dipped in batter, dipped in butter, dipped in salt, then dipped in diabetes.  They approach the counter, drunkenly attempting to comprehend why there are two ordering sheets that say almost (ALMOST) exactly the same thing yet they can never seem to choose the right one.  The students who escape stabbing themselves in the heart with a golf pencil courageously present their ID card to the unhappy looking Hub worker and announce “Claremont Cash this time.”  They return to their wobbly table with a paper plate full of tofu-popsicles and a heart full of woe.  Nearby students munch on organic carrot sticks as their eyes fill with tears. “The best part about this,” claims one optimistic freshman as he picks at his vegan haggis, “is that I’ll be throwing up from this food instead of alcohol poisoning!”

2.    Beer Pong is outlawed at CMC

Dejected students sit inside TNR bawling their hearts out.  “Sweet Caroline” blares but no one is feeling so sweet.  It’s Tuesday night, AKA the best night to get wasted and show off your masculinity by throwing a tiny white ball into a plastic cup, and students are at a loss for what else to do.  A few brave students slowly disrobe and attempt a naked lap, “Just for old times’ sake.” Luckily, the combined sadness of the would-be beer pong participants is enough to fill twenty cups and a rousing game of Tears Pong is soon begun.

3.    The CMC Forum hosts a gossip girl style column about campus happenings.

*Spotted* One career consultant visiting the Career Services Office after dark and dropping off more than his resume, if you know what we mean.
*Newflash* ASCMC Senate takes place on Mondays nights, but this Wednesday a certain Econ-Accounting major was caught motioning to table the chair, if you catch our drift.
*Uh-oh!* Rumor has it Scripps is opening a new section of the course Women’s Sexuality; it takes place on Saturday nights in the baseball team’s apartment and is student-taught.
*Spoiler Alert* Two people you kinda know were hooking up in a public place. How are you not getting this?
Consequently, this lapse in journalistic quality draws in more traffic than the Forum has ever seen.  This causes the Editor-in-Chief and the Managing Editor to alternately click their heels in glee and sob for hours mourning the loss of true reporting.

4.    Kravis stops funding CMC

CMC: Home of the 2400! Even if we have to fake it.

The construction crew immediately stops building the waterslide they had planned that began on the Kravis roof and deposits students into the Scripps pool. On documents, T-shirts, Frisbees, PowerPoint presentations, and framed photographs everywhere there is a gaping blank spot where the Kravis Leadership Institute symbol should be.   Kravis himself can be found in a house made entirely of money making it rain ten, ten, twenties, and them fifties bitch.

5.    Stark hosts TNC

In a peace-offering gesture the Stark RA agrees to host the week’s TNC.  Starkies eye the kegs as they roll in, “What is that thing?  Is that an enormous barrel of monkeys toy?” Within moments the TV has been smashed into approximately 8,231,287,392.003 pieces and the Starkies are using pool sticks to defend themselves against North Quadders on a rampage.  The party devolves into a mass drunken YouTube video watching session in the computer lab and the Stark RA sits with her head in her hands muttering, “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

6.    The Athenaeum invites Maury to host a talk.

The clinking of teacups and the scratching of silverware against china plates begins to die down as Maury joins a panel of volunteer students on stage.  It isn’t long before all Hell breaks loose.  A junior girl stands up to tell her story, but she quickly begins getting hysterical.   She points into the crowd at her “baby daddy” and calls him out in front of everyone.  “I never thought I’d regret the day we conceived Stagathena the sixth in Poppa lab, but you make me ASHAMED of our stag maroon love!” Suddenly the room breaks into an all out brawl.  Pam Gann gets into the action, quickly removing her blazer and suffocating overly-aggressive students with her shoulder pads.  Instead of resting gently sideways on their platters and being filled with hot chocolate, teacups are now being hurled angrily at the head of unsuspecting students and being filled with blood.

7.    4th Floor Honnold is the biggest party on campus

You’ve never been up to 4th Floor Hunnold because that kind of mind-numbing silence scares the living daylights out of you.  You shy away from the frequent “shushing” and are not eager to receive ridicule for doing your Astronomy (AKA imaginary science) homework in such a scary place. Little did you know floor four has been decked out with flashing lights, disco balls, confetti, and of course, a sick stereo system.  The “Library” has become the “Lib-ravey” or on particulary crazy nights (finals week) “Lib-ragey.”   Students can be seen doing lines of cocaine off their Psychology textbooks and then, alternately, discussing the fiscal impact of the legalization of all narcotics while referencing their Econ books.

8.    CMC starts accepting people based ONLY on their SAT scores

Returning students eagerly welcome the class of 2017, a fleet of 2400’s with a few 2350’s thrown in just for diversity’s sake. At the opening convocation Dean Vos crowdsurfs through a sea of students who decided a string of three eight hundreds was worth more than sleep, sanity, and personal hygiene. Friendly older students invite the new freshmen outside saying, “wanna come to Green Beach?”  A series of beeps is emitted from the 2017’er. “Beep beeeeep beep beep. Green, Noun, Of the color between blue and yellow in the spectrum; colored like grass or emeralds. Beep beep beep. Beach, noun, A pebbly or sandy shore, esp. by the sea between high- and low-water marks. Affirmative.”

9.    Sushi Cruize and Liquorland actually require a valid ID before they sell or serve alcohol.

Nuff’ said.

10. Creative writing becomes a GE requirement

My shoulders feel like such prudes right now.

Rows upon rows of fidgety, bro-tank clad students sit awaiting their first lesson on composition.  “You, Joey, read your story to the class,” motions the teacher.  Joey stands up, “This summer I worked at Goldman Sachs, there was a lot of cash to be made there.” The teacher stops him immediately, “Joey I want you to feeeel the scene unfold in front of your eyes.  Let it guide you, show me your passion.”  Joey returns the next week with his creative piece.  “The rich scent of leather as I opened my wallet, the heady scent of Benjamins on Benjamins on Benjamins, these are the ways Goldman Sachs taught me to love.  It was the best of times, it was the downest economy of times.” A+ Joey.

11. Foam is filled with poisonous gas

Due to a tragic mechanical error, it is quickly discovered that the Foam Machine is filled with poisonous gases.  Students seem uninterested in their impending doom and continue to pop, lock, and, indeed, drop it in their tiny bikinis.  “It hurts so good,” one student remarked as she succumbed to the party’s deadly fumes.  A snobby senior concurred, “I’d rather die here than at some freshmen-packed TNC.”  One crazy Mudder was spotted looking down on the proceedings, laughing manically, and repeating his favorite pick-up line over and over, “Does this smell like ether to you?”

12. Bro tanks are banned from campus

 No longer able to offer “tickets to the gunshow,” students cease visiting Ducey Gym to pump iron. Students flock to the health center, sure they are on the verge of death.  They eagerly show the doctors this terrifying band of white skin on their upper arms they have never before experienced.  “Cancer?” they ask.  “Leprosy?”  The doctor assures them that it is a simple condition called “pale skin” but as Southern Californian kids they are not familiar with this concept and convalesce until their bodies turn a terrifying color they like to call “Midwesterner” and they simply waste away.

13. Ponding is outlawed on birthdays

The powers that be decide that their new urine-colored fountain outside the auditorium is too nice for ponding and so bans all ponding on all campuses. Enterprising students find ways to celebrate their friends’ aging, mostly by nearly killing them.  A new tradition called “roofing” (where students are thrown off Claremont Hall’s roof) is quickly followed by the less popular “sitting-on-longboard-tied-to-moving car.”  Then there is a sort of back-to-basics movement towards the original ponding called “drowning” that takes place in Ducey pool at midnight.  Happy birthday jimmy! Hope we tied those lead blocks to your ankles tight enough! Montclair hospital was kept busy and students received the Innovative Start-up Award for their efforts.

14. Jim Nauls is not allowed to exaggerate in his emails

Instead of:
“Tickets on sale NOW for Alice and Wonderland 3-D!! HURRY HURRY THEY’RE SELLING QUICKLY!!”
We now read:
“Ok honestly, there are like 90 goddamn spots left on this bus to the aquarium and if none of you little shits buy tickets I’m going to have to go check out those little swimming bitches myself. Buy these tickets, oh for the love of God, buy these tickets.”

15.  The song “Levels” by Avicii is banned from all parties

Students wander listlessly around campus. They stare into the depths of their empty red cups as if they can read their futures in the dregs of their Keystone Light.  Students sit in the corners hugging their knees, rocking back and forth, and muttering “nuh nuh nuh nuhnuhnuh na na na na na na na nahnahnahnah nahnahnahnahnahhh” under their breath on repeat. Students swarm Monsour, recline on the therapist’s couch and bemoan. “Oh sometimes, I just don’t feel like I get a good feeling anymore?”  Others meet with a trained psychiatrist and complain, “I swear I’ve never, never, never, never had this feeling before!” DJ IN2UITION seizes on the floor and even the legendary DJ SOLO finds himself unable to go on.

I have no science to back this up, but I think it’s physically impossible to live without Avicii

16. The “I AM NOT CMC” Campaign begins.

In order to punish students in the spirit of The Scarlet Letter, CMC issues new maroon shirts that read “I AM NOT CMC” and then a blank line where students can list their offense.  Those suspended for academic dishonesty travel around their hometowns with shirts that read “I AM NOT CMC because I copied the definition of Arbitrage pricing theory straight out of Wikipedia.”  Another student’s shirt reads “I AM NOT CMC because I downloaded two terabytes of porn over the CINE network.” And then, of course, there’s my shirt that says “I AM NOT CMC because I study Literature and Creative Writing.”
So there you have it folks, the end of the world for CMC Students.  All I can say is that it was probably all Pomona’s fault anyways.
– Clancy Tripp
September 2012


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