Look, we get it. Everybody fucks up once in a while. But it takes a lot to get your whole team suspended indefinitely. So what could have happened this weekend that actually caused the CMS Track and Field team to get temporarily shut down? Step aside, TSL, and let the capital-J Journalists do some investigative reporting.
We present the top 18 ways that you can get a team of like 85 people collectively suspended:
- They stole one of Hiram Chodosh’s dogs. We all talk about doing it, but we never do. These guys had the courage and tenacity to follow through with it. They ate the dog, too.
- CMS Track and Field is a legit cult. It’s all a front for using “practice” time to perform seances and rituals. When your “running” friend says that they have an “out of town meet,” they’re going to sacrifice a freshman that isn’t that into buttchugging on Baldy.
- Suspension = Mission Accomplished
- They tried to bury some guy at the Pitzer beach volleyball courts with only his penis sticking out. The harder you think about it, the more believable this gets.
- They didn’t get that job at Deloitte. Commensurate punishment: 50 lashes. The harder you think about it, the more believable this gets.
- They stole a large Pumpkin from Frary three years ago and Camp Sec finally caught them. This is why Frary, as a matter of policy, does not have Halloween spirit.
- SCIAC started drug testing before meets. Coke is not allowed.
- Neither is meth.
- They kidnapped Zac Efron and forced him to re-enact High School Musical 2.
- They were caught cheating by wearing Heelies™ during a race.
- The administration found CMS Track and Field to be the ring leaders of the athenaeum blockade during the Heather MacDonald protests.
- CMS Track and Field is actually a Deep State arm of CMC Young Republicans, who tasked them with carrying out a Watergate-inspired operation to infiltrate and undermine Jacksòn Smith’s presidential campaign.
- The Loch Ness monster emerged from his eternal slumber in Scotland, proceeding to snatch the CMS track team captains. If you have any further information, please notify the Golden Antlers at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll probably tell somebody.
- Flu season has taken another victim.
- They made the freshmen fuck a literal Stag. Like a 10-point buck. It was nuts.
- They made the freshmen fuck the Greek goddess Athena.
- The team’s top 5 runners all left to compete on ABC’s reality television dating game show The Bachelor.
- They ran around campus naked and did some spooky shit.
Post Scriptum: Coke before a meet should be allowed, especially on Tuesdays. #CocaineTuesdays