Oh no, sis! It’s #twinkgate. At last Wednesday’s White House Press Conference, Secretary Psaki announced that 2020 census data, collected virtually due to the coronavirus, will classify white, gay, hairless men as African-American females. When census collection began, the Trump administration planned to label men of this identity as males 15-18 regardless of age. However, after considerable pushback from the twink community, the Biden administration had agreed to label white twinks as African-American females as they wish to identify as such. It is unclear where non-white twinks will fit into this narrative. When questioned, Psaki said, “That’s a horrible question, dumbass. All twinks are white!”
We reached out to a census worker, who wished to remain anonymous because she is twinkphobic.
“It was so bizarre. I would ask a question on the phone, and they just sang an 8-minute dance version of I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston and then said ‘Yasss! Black girl magic! Periodt.’ Why would they say black girl magic if they weren’t a black girl? I don’t get paid enough for this!
Some twinks saw no issue.
“I actually identify as a black woman. I was on acid in WeHo one night when my favorite black woman, Ariana Grande, spoke to me. She said, ‘I’m so into you, I can barely breathe,’ and then she pulled a rainbow dildo out of my ass. Afterwards, she gave me a PowerPoint on how to use AAVE. It was really eye-opening. Yass sis! Melanin poppin!!! Werk bitch, yuh.”
Some were more upset.
“My name is Pete Buttigiedge, and I am NOT a twink! That Chromatica jockstrap was delivered to me by mistake, I swear! Anyways… is Anderson Cooper covering this?”
Others were more vague in their responses.
“I didn’t ask for a free ride. I only asked you to show me a real good time. I never asked for the rainfall. At least I showed up, you showed me nothing at all. It’s coming down on me!”
Variety just reported that 20th Century Fox has a new film in development, where the twink community and the African-American female community solve their conflicts through roller skating.
This is a developing story.