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2020 Census Counts White Twinks as African-American Females

 

Oh no, sis! It’s #twinkgate. At last Wednesday’s White House Press Conference, Secretary Psaki announced that 2020 census data, collected virtually due to the coronavirus, will classify white, gay, hairless men as African-American females. When census collection began, the Trump administration planned to label men of this identity as males 15-18 regardless of age. However, after considerable pushback from the twink community, the Biden administration had agreed to label white twinks as African-American females as they wish to identify as such. It is unclear where non-white twinks will fit into this narrative. When questioned, Psaki said, “That’s a horrible question, dumbass. All twinks are white!”

We reached out to a census worker, who wished to remain anonymous because she is twinkphobic. 

“It was so bizarre. I would ask a question on the phone, and they just sang an 8-minute dance version of I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston and then said ‘Yasss! Black girl magic! Periodt.’ Why would they say black girl magic if they weren’t a black girl? I don’t get paid enough for this! 

Some twinks saw no issue.

“I actually identify as a black woman. I was on acid in WeHo one night when my favorite black woman, Ariana Grande, spoke to me. She said, ‘I’m so into you, I can barely breathe,’ and then she pulled a rainbow dildo out of my ass. Afterwards, she gave me a PowerPoint on how to use AAVE. It was really eye-opening. Yass sis! Melanin poppin!!! Werk bitch, yuh.”

Some were more upset.

“My name is Pete Buttigiedge, and I am NOT a twink! That Chromatica jockstrap was delivered to me by mistake, I swear! Anyways… is Anderson Cooper covering this?”

Others were more vague in their responses. 

“I didn’t ask for a free ride. I only asked you to show me a real good time. I never asked for the rainfall. At least I showed up, you showed me nothing at all. It’s coming down on me!”

Variety just reported that 20th Century Fox has a new film in development, where the twink community and the African-American female community solve their conflicts through roller skating. 

This is a developing story.

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