Do you go to the Claremont Colleges? Do you feel a sense of unfathomable loneliness that threatens to swallow your existence into a hole of pure darkness whenever you leave the wallowy cave known as your single dorm room that you originally wanted because you thought you’d be fucking on the daily but you haven’t had anyone over in months? If you answered yes, then this is the perfect guide for you! Jam packed with ideas of how to properly feel sorry for yourself right around that extra special time of year, Valentine’s Day, this guide will show you exactly how to make your isolated, romantic-less guilt really sparkle for Saint Cupid on the fourteenth. Take a look!
What could be more romantic than something called “Tuesday Night Rave?” As you navigate a sweaty minefield of sardine-like bodies, you’ll certainly be asking yourself, “wow, how does anybody come to this without taking at least eight shots?”
Look out for: Emotionless undergrads chanting “Puck Fomona!” as their bodies bounce up and down to compensate for their lack of feeling that’s lasted since they were fourteen.
Post Publishing Note: Thank you so much to the CMC Bro that reminded us that the R in TNR stands for “ruit” and not “rave.” Thanks for policing party lingo, you are truly the hero we need, but not the one we deserve.
2) Get Really High And Wander Around South Pomona By Yourself on a Monday Night
By immersing yourself in a completely unfamiliar world roughly ten miles from your dorm, you’ll feel a childlike giddiness. This is definitely not because you ingested lethal amounts of marijuana by yourself, but regardless, you’ll feel rejuvenated and free from the shackles of familiarity after you whip out that special bong that reminds you of your first hook up in Claremont, back when everyday was this exciting what seems like an entity ago: a smelly Pitzer boy!
Look out for: Available suitors! Maybe you could actually fill your loveless void with love! After all, students who live on south campus don’t associate with the outside world. But who are you kidding — you’d never be able to pull that off!
3) Walk the Quotation Walk adjacent to The Keck Science Building Alone Drunk Off Your Ass
Inspiration, right this way! As your companionless feet stumble over quotes by world renowned intellects, you’ll be sure to feel that sweet, sweet sense of worthlessness, loneliness, and the feeling that you’re doing absolutely nothing significant with your life at one am on a Thursday night.
Look out for: A dozen texts from your friends asking, “where the fuck are you?” Yeah, they’re concerned, but these are the sacrifices you have to make to fill that void.
Like TNR, going to Thursday Night Club will certainly appeal to your inner Romeo or Juliet. As you make your way over to the CMC senior apartments, your friends will stop to pee in a bush and while you’re waiting, you’ll stand awkwardly to the side and wave at the kid who never would’ve talked to you in high school but you hooked up with three months ago (at TNC!), and you’ll convince yourself that this is fun and there’s nothing you’d rather be doing. Awesome!
Look out for: Seniors granting first-years their first tequila shots, and the excitement that their eighteen-year-old optimistic eyes reveal as they experience something new; something you haven’t done in what feels like an eternity.
5) Re-download Tinder
When all else fails, you can always re-download Tinder. There’s nothing quite like the rush of accidentally super liking the kid who sits next to you in your four-days-a-week Spanish class who you don’t find remotely attractive.
Look out for: Attractive 5C students who message you something genuine because you have a real shared interest. You wouldn’t want to open yourself up to genuine human connection now, would you!