Well folks, Valentine’s Day is today and that can only mean one thing—cuffing season is rearing to a close! Time for one last shot to turn in those tube tops for more sophisticated nighttime attire that might just help attract that ‘handsome, nice young man’ your grandmother has been lecturing you about since the fifth grade. Fellas, get to work updating those Tinder pics to show off your Rains gainz and near obsolete Fall break tan. Don’t worry, we know finding the right partner in a hurry can be more stressful than flirting at the Motley so follow along with The Golden Antlers 5 Helpful Hints for Navigating Cuffing Season at the 5Cs!
- Be yourself. Whether you are loud, shy, kind, passionate, introverted, or a literal human machine (we still love you Mudders), never be afraid to be your true self. While faking it may work in the classroom, we promise you’re better off being genuine and comfortable in your own skin.
- Be patient. Do you think Kravis Center was built in a day? Set realistic expectations for yourself. We recommend starting with a nice Pomona boy before working your way up to a sweet, emotionally in-touch Pitzer treasure before finally locking down a cream-of-the-crop, God’s gift to humanity, Econ bro.
- Expand your horizons. The 5Cs are already small enough. Break out of the tiny social circle you formed during orientation week and still can’t seem to leave. Ask a Scrippsie to coffee. Reach out to that CMC girl whose Instagram you stalk every night. Take a Mudder for a walk above basement level. Mother Teresa definitely probably once said something about loving all people the same so like probably follow that or you’re going to hell.
- Be a romantic. We highly recommend doxing them via Claremont crushes. Talk about all the places you see them, preferably including their classroom numbers with a detailed time table, and be sure to make reference to how cute it is that their ATM pin has one of the same digits as yours! Follow up with an excruciatingly emotional and descriptive poem about the one time you sat on a field together at night and discussed “philosophy stuff.” If all else fails, just unload all your pent up emotional strife from that one high school lover that permanently shattered your heart in two.
- Love yourself. Self care is important! Be sure to build in time for a necessary 3 hour recovery nap after working up the courage to talk to your crush for 30 seconds in the pasta bar line. Don’t let time zones hold you back from calling your parents at 3AM EST if you “just want to check-in.” Remember that homework comes second to your personal well-being, so don’t hesitate to put off that 12-page book report until the day before it’s due if you are just not in the right place to write it. Finally, replenish your body with any assortments of all-natural remedies like a glass of water, multivitamins, freshly-brewed kombucha, adderall from that guy who lives down your hall, or top-shelf Columbian cocaine.
As always, if you need to vent about your chaotic lack of a lovelife, reach out to our relationship advice hotline at: firstname.lastname@example.org.