5 Times The Bust of Benjamin Z. Gould Told Me To Go Get Him Some Mozz Sticks from the Hub When I Was Intoxicated


Everyone has nights where they end up stumbling around CMC trying to find some scrapings of what used to be a party in the quad, senior apartments, or green beach; but just end up wandering deep into the outskirts of South Quad, half naked, and having a nice conversation with some inanimate object. I know it’s a completely normal thing to do, but the 5 times I’ve talked to Benjamin Z. Gould’s Bust, he always asks me to go get him some mozz sticks from the hub.

  1. First time I remember was after 6:01 struck. After spending 12+ hours of constant binge drinking, I found myself sitting on a bench talking about my first week back and telling Gould about my summer. I told him all about my internship at Deloitte, where I did a lot of cool economics stuff. I also told him about my weekend trip on my dad’s yacht up to Canada, which was really fun. After a while of catching up, he looked me in the eyes and asked “Hey wanna go grab me some hub mozz sticks, I’ve been craving them.” Of course I replied “Hell ya” because I miss the mozz stick nostalgia.
  2. I’m not exactly sure what drug I was on since I bought it off some weird Pitzer kid living in a cloudy Mead suite, but I specifically remember discussing with Gould’s bust late in the night trying to figure out what the squirrels that hang around Mallott think of us college students. We both had different ideas about their perceptions of us, either stemming from Freud or Skinner based theories. After a while, Gould’s bust turns to me and says “Fuck dude, we’ve been talking about this for way too long now, can we just go grab some mozz sticks?” And I went to go grab us some mozz sticks.
  3. I don’t really remember what Mudd party it was nor which dorm it was at, maybe paint? Lingerie? Seven Deadly Sin? Who knows? But all I remember is that I lost my friends after going to Jay’s Place to grab some quesadillas and ended up walking back to my dorm alone. On the way back I tripped and all of a sudden I hear “Oh, it’s nice to see you again.” I turn my head and Gould’s bust is talking to me. I end up playing catch up with him since we haven’t seen each other in a while, and after a couple minutes he asks “Hey, can you get me some mozz sticks.” Since I already went to Jay’s, I was hesitant to go to the HUB, but I was drunk enough that I wanted to get another quesadilla, so I told him I would.
  4. This next time I just remember Gould just being so hostile and aggressive. I just remember getting too fucked up for Eurobash and most things after that are kind of a blur. Except the one memory I have is of me yelling and screaming at Gould’s bust for a long ass time. I remember walking down and then I hear “Hey fucker, get me some mozz sticks.” I angrily turned my head and yelled “Fuck you, I’m almost out of flex. I’m not gonna get you fucking mozz sticks, asshole.” After a long while, I got so frustrated I left, but before I walked away Gould’s bust said “Next time, just make sure daddy puts more claremont cash on there.”
  5. The most recent time was actually last Thursday. It was only like 10 pm, but I was too drunk from pregaming way too early. And when I headed to TNR for the actually party, I immediately turned around because I realized how shitty it was. I started stumbling back to my dorm, but I took a wrong turn and I found myself talking to Gould’s bust again. I immediately got up and started walking away when I heard “Hey, where are you going?” I turned around and said “Sorry, I can’t talk, I have to go back and study for my 8 am Midterm.” He immediately called out my bullshit and said “Look you’re clearly drunk and you want to leave; but before you do, can you just grab me some mozz sticks please?” I ended up caving because I felt bad for lying to him in the first place.


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