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5 Ways to Keep from Sucking his Dick when he Mentions David Foster Wallace

 

If you’re a woman at the 5Cs, you know the feeling. You’re talking to a Pomona guy– maybe he’s a casual acquaintance, a friend, a tinder date, your CS partner– and everything is going swimmingly. But then the conversation turns towards literature, and that familiar anxiety swells up in your gut. He begins, “have you read –”

Please, please don’t say his name, you think. Please. You salivate just thinking about it. You know you won’t be able to help yourself if those words come out of his mouth. And then, as if in slow motion, you hear it.

“Have you read David –”

                                          Drool.

“Foster–”

                                         Whimper.

“Wallace’s –”

                                          Moan.

“Infinite Jest?”

That does it. You feel a pre-orgasmic shudder run from the crown of your head to the tips of your toes. All faculties are lost. You are no longer running this ship– pure, unadulterated lust has taken the helm. You kneel, unbutton his pants, and go to town as if you are giving head to DFW himself. Everything goes black.

When you come to, your chin is covered with a thin layer of drool. This is water. Your fellatio partner is nowhere to be seen. And you are permanently banned from the Motley. Fuck! Not again!

If you can relate, fear not! Here are five effective tips to keep from sucking his dick when he mentions David Foster Wallace:

  1. Plug your ears and loudly recite Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man until he changes the subject. Nothing distracts a softboy like some good ol’ James Joyce. With any luck, he’ll be the one on his knees in no time.
  2. Sharpen your teeth until they are like razors. He will see your razor sharp teeth and slap your eager hands away before they get anywhere near that thick, well-read penis.
  3. Think about how many other mouths have slobbered all over that literary cock. Probably so many! Like ten, or one hundred! Any literature-lovin’-lady would be privileged to perform fellatio on a man who has read all the way through Wallace’s final masterpiece, as this boy certainly has.
  4. Mentally replace “David Foster Wallace” with “Frank Bedoya”. Any sexual desire you previously had will immediately dissolve as you think of the one man in charge of the entirety of Pomona’s housing. Frank Bedoya probably hasn’t even read Infinite Jest!

  5. Ask him what page of Infinite Jest he is on. This is the most effective of the five methods, as it almost always leads to disappointment. After a full minute of stuttering and flaccid excuses, you will discover that he is, in fact, halfway through the seventh page. This method can backfire, though – you now have to make him feel like he is still cool and impressive, and as we all know, stroking the fragile male ego is the biggest turn-on of all!

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