The Golden Antlers hope you had a relaxing fall break. Or not. But whether you embarked on a spiritual journey in the LA hills or collected STDs (sexual Pokemon) at a nearby state school, we guarantee you had one hell of a better time than these poor unfortunate souls. Here’s a list of fourteen fall break plans gone wrong (and if you were one of these people, better luck next time):
Out of state roommates Lisa Carr ‘16 and Emily Hanes ‘16 attempted hitchhiking to “San Fran” to experience more of “Cali”. They gave up somewhere between Fresno and Bakersfield aka the armpit of the state. Hanes and Carr reported the trip was “not nearly as hella dank” as expected.
An unnamed student’s plane had a layover in Dallas, where she developed a slight cold. She spent the rest of fall break fearing that she had Ebola. And bleeding from the eyes.
Several freshmen went home to go break up with their high school sweethearts, only to find that they had already slept with all their friends who stayed in their podunk hometowns to party at state schools.
A group of carefree, nature-loving individuals decided to camp on a budget in Pitzer’s Outback. Unfortunately, they ran out of food and had to resort to foraging local flora and fauna. Spit-roasted chicken a la prickly pear never sounded so appealing.
Aimee Duncan (PZ ‘16) spent all weekend looking for her favorite Pitzer chicken, Muriel, after discovering one morning that the pen contained not 14, but 13 chickens. She asks that you please contact her if you have seen Muriel.
Some loser didn’t make plans because his roommate was totally going to invite him to San Diego. He spent the weekend alone with Netflix and Mix Bowl.
The CMS soccer team played FIFA au natural all break, calling it “FIFAll break”.
Jess Risata (Scripps ‘16) ODed on laughing gas when she got her wisdom teeth removed. She proceeded to have sexual fantasies involving Neil Degrasse Tyson and Michelle Obama for the entirety of her recovery time.
Eric Johnson PO ‘18 took acid for the first time during a spiritual retreat to Joshua Tree. He woke up in a strip mall parking lot sans eyebrows and wallets, plus a weird rash on upper thigh.
“My friends think they’re so cool because they watched 69 hours of Adventure Time while tripping on acid in the desert,” said Phil Bowles Harvey Mudd ‘16. “But little do they know that I did krokodil with some guy named Jim who didn’t speak English, or any language for the matter, at a dive bar in Silverlake.”
Ben Dover Pomona ‘17 stayed on campus. He spent his days making friends with the squirrels and upperclassmen who hate their families too much to go home for break.
A certain sponsor group drove to Tijuana. Six hours later, they found themselves in the middle of a drug cartel negotiation. It was like real life Weeds, only this time, jail was very real. Should have paid more attention in Spanish 22!
More than one student visited a family friend in a suburb he can’t remember the name of. When he wasn’t stuck with his awkward cousin who loved anime and vegan baking, he was forced to play with the family’s aging golden retriever who was going blind and wears adult diapers.
CMC senior Ian O’Gilles stayed on campus with plans to infiltrate a secret society, only to find out that it was a fledgling group that solicitates various publications to write articles about them for publicity.
Jack (Pomona ‘17) masturbated. All. Weekend. Long. He regrets nothing but the lingering scent of spiritual stagnation (and the fact that he now believes his room’s fluorescent lights are better than normal ones).
The seniors spent the weekend applying for jobs. LOLOL, JK, we all already have jobs lined up. Why, do you not? ‘Cause you’re the only one.
After hearing these soul-crushing stories, the Golden Antlers staff asks you to consider those less fortunate than you. In other words, please refrain from bragging about how much fun you had “hiking to the top of Machu Picchu and then tripping for three days straight on ayahuasca,” as not everyone had as glamorous or fabulous of a weekend as yours.
– Sabra Stratton SCR ’17 (concept by), Elliot Warner CMC ’18, Kris Brackmann CMC ’16, Christie Kweon SCR ’15, Liz Sommer PZ ’18, Frank Lyles PO ’17, Jacksón Smith CMC ’18, Jason Twohy PO ’18, Sophie Mann SCR ’18, and Abby O’Brien SCR ’18