Join Hiram Chodosh for a wet t-shirt contest – $100
Throughout time there have been countless sex symbols from Marilyn Monroe to our glorious leader Jacksòn, but none compare to the ever-dreamy Hiram Chodash. That is why it caused unprecedented pandamonium when he offered to join him onstage for a wet t-shirt contest. Though usually reserved for drunk hooligans on spring break in Mexico, Hiram saw it necessary to partake so that he can “help school morale”. We couldn’t agree with him more. Unsurprisingly, the contest dramatically helped the productivity of students. The amount of time that had previously been dedicated by CMC students imagining what Chodash’s abs looked like could from then on be put to more useful endeavors like studying.
The Prometheus Mural in Frary – $200 of flex
Perpetually staring down at you, disgusted at your gluttony to indulge in a milkshake for three consecutive days, this mural has been described by some as being “invaluable”. So that is exactly why it is currently being offered for $200 of flex, a valuable commodity used to buy only the finest of cardiovascular impeding foods. This item carries along a number of unforeseen perks. First, it is a perfect replacement for that Che Guevara poster you spilled red wine on last semester. Also, with only a bit of paint scratching you can repatriate the manhood of Prometheus which was so viciously castrated from him. Also it’s funny because it’s a penis.
Tickets to the next CMS football game – Free
Please come to our games.
Someone to ghostwrite my GA articles who is actually funny – $5
This might be a bit of a conflict of interest as I am the one that posted this for sale but I believe it is worthy of the list nonetheless. It has become increasingly apparent to both the staff and readers of the GA that I am in way over my head. My supposed “jokes” don’t even garner a reaction from my mother anymore and I’ve resorted to the lowest form of comedy, self-deprecation. If literally anyone would be willing to occasionally write an article for me that I can pass off as my own that would be good. Just don’t make it too funny or people will realize it’s not actually me writing the articles.
A giant poster of Steve Harvey – $20
As many of you probably saw there was recently a large Steve Harvey poster advertised on the page. The poster, which is “about the size of a twin XL bed” is without a doubt the hottest and most unnerving gift this holiday season. Whether you constantly want a poster reminding you to check your “moral barometer” or you just cannot get enough of the caterpillar that has comfortably nestled on top of his lip, this poster is right for just about anybody. The award winning research team here at GA has concluded that the post has been taken down from 5C For Sale/For Free however we are willing to offer the owner our eternal gratitude plus our worst freshman writer as compensation for it.
The Golden Antlers – $650
That’s right, we’re selling out. We did the math and decided we can buy around 33 fifths of Tito’s for $650 and that’s all we needed to know. Some might say “ You’re a well respected news outlet with tens of thousands of adoring fans, how could you sell out for this low price?” To this we respond “You’ve vasty mischaracterized us and it’s $650 we didn’t have before”. Any interested parties can just respond to the drinking survey mass email chain to let us know.