In a shocking discovery, The Golden Antlers has found that last week a group of Jewish students of the Claremont Colleges decided to break their 26-hour fast for Yom Kippur–the Day of Atonement–by rejecting the shackles of a kosher diet and hitting up Matt from Domino’s for some sunset za’s.
The Golden Antlers learned of this event through a whistleblower within the group known as “anti-loxxers;” members of the small minority of Jews who don’t enjoy nasty-ass brined salmon, despite overwhelming evidence from the medical community that suggests it actually tastes pretty good. The Claremont anti-loxxers were reportedly fed-up with their break-fasts consisting merely of cream cheese on a non-toasted sesame bagel, which really should be an onion bagel, you schmuck.
The whisteblower, Riley Goldmanbergschmidtstein, was the only member of the group to answer inquiries from The Golden Antlers. The rest of the group refused to answer any questions and requested anonymity due to fear of repercussions and because they lack chutzpah.
We asked Goldmanbergschmidtstein simply why they chose pepperoni instead of a kosher variety of pizza to break the fast. Goldmanbergschmidtstein responded with an absolute spiel, saying, “Okay, let’s look at our kosher options here: We’ve got cheese, if you want to eat the La Croix of pizza; veggie, but we don’t believe in miracles, such as the possibility of vegetables tasting good; or Hawaiian, which should be illegal and isn’t even kosher anyway. Seriously. Fruit? On pizza? What are we, Lutheran? Clearly, pepperoni is the only option. Additional jalapeños would be tolerated.”
When Goldmanbergschmidtstein was asked if he felt hypocritical for breaking the fast with such non-kosher food on the day when literally all you are supposed to do is atone for your sins, such as eating non-kosher foods, he stated that he would not answer further questions without a lawyer–preferably his father or one of his uncles–present. Goldmanbergschmidstein left the interview, adding, “please don’t tell my bubbe about this, she still thinks I’m a mensch and I’d really like to keep it that way.”