After noticing the abundant levels of urine at the sites of major tree falls, campus security decided to review footage of Friday night’s events. The video revealed a drunk, flannel-empowered gaggle of boys using state-of-the-art forestry techniques to topple trees. Officials have been able to identify the culprits as the now unrecognizable burly bearded men who have built log cabins on Marston Quad. While the men who insist they have always been that tough and capable will be removed soon, the administration plans to use the shacks as freshman housing.
Worry not about the damages caused by trees as many more young lads wearing Carhartt beanies, hoodies, and overalls have started construction repairs campus-wide.