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5Cs Unveil Spring COVID-19 Prevention Plans

 

The 5Cs have unveiled their plans for the Spring 2021 semester due to mounting pressure from students and parents and the idea of losing any more money during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Pitzer College plans to have students sleep out on the Mounds in hammocks spaced six feet apart so as to maintain social distancing. “Pitzer students really pride themselves as being one with nature and all that hippie stuff,” one administrator said. “Now we don’t have to worry about housing.” When asked about concerns that students might fall out of the hammocks and onto nearby cacti, the administrator declined to comment.

Meanwhile, Scripps College will only be holding Core I classes in person, and all other courses will be held online. “In the past, students demonstrated high levels of interest in the Core I curriculum,” a Scripps spokesperson said. “In particular, we’ve received a lot of positive feedback about the texts we use and the classroom atmosphere, so we’ve decided to prioritize Core I due to its unanimous popularity.”

Over at Claremont McKenna College, administrators decided that with the risk of COVID-19 spreading in cafeterias, the only feasible option was to hire individual chefs for each student. On the day after the CMC press release, the Golden Antlers discovered a Craigslist posting in search of 1200 chefs. The ad reads, “Unpaid internship. Credit available.”

Given that physical intimacy within the student body is also likely to result in an increase of COVID-19 cases, Harvey Mudd College has chosen to provide each student with their own handheld long-distance sex toy. These new devices will be featured in a new course, “Programming Wireless Controls.” According to a spokesperson for the college, the course was specifically designed to help reduce stress and “increase joy of learning, reflection, mastery, and retention,” goals stated in the outline for Mudd’s new Core curriculum.

Pomona College, hoping to make room for socially-distanced housing, recently rolled out a new course entitled “Long-Distance Sprinting.” The course description is as follows:

Want to fulfill your P.E. requirement so that you’re able to graduate on time with no ceremony and receive a crumpled diploma mailed straight to your door? Look no further. This course teaches runners of all experience levels to run faster and better. Students will be divided into two teams and play an old-fashioned game of tag, with a couple of simple modifications. If you’re tagged, you’re out, meaning you’re out of Pomona — you won’t be allowed back on campus until the Fall 2025 semester. Taggers will receive an extra 0.0047 boost to their GPA.

In addition to the colleges’ individual plans, the presidents of each of the 5Cs elected to keep the current schedule for the Spring 2021 semester in place, including the cancellation of spring break. During their press release, the presidents explained that they “really couldn’t care less” about the points made by students in favor of a traditional week-long break, which included concerns about mental and physical health. They also added that creating two potential schedules, one in preparation for the return of students to campus and one for continued online-only learning, would be “too much work.”

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