At approximately 12:37 PM on January 27th Dean Spellwoman announced Claremont McKenna College’s new official Anti-Partying and Anti-Alcohol stance. The email is reproduced below:
That’s it. No more alcohol for you ever again! I swear I’m on my last nerve! Last Thursday I said to myself, “Mary, the next time those kids draw a penis on Heggblade in permanent marker, you put your foot down!” Well, the time has come. By the power vested in me by the spirit of Jack Stark I declare alcohol officially forbidden. Also, TNC is now officially “Thursday Night Classes” so suck it.
Dean Spellwoman and the Dean of Students Office
Spellwoman also questioned CMC’s reputation as a “party school” saying, “Seriously, have you all even seen a state school?” and “I went to Occidental [where] we were brushing our teeth with absinthe before Ke$ha was even born!”
The Dean of Students Office has announced that they will crack down on all alcohol-related products including Listerine, nail polish remover, and Lysol. According to Assistant Dean of Students Jim Nauls, the school has also removed all grape juice from the dining halls “just in case.”
A spokesperson for Student Health Services assured students that its staff recently received a “refresher course on how to spot the signs for Delerium Tremens” or severe alcohol withdrawal.
CMC’s Senate voted unanimously in favor of “party-rocking” and “getting obliterated on a regular basis” though Senate President Pro-Tempore Miles Lifson estimates that at least 67.42% of senators were “already seriously hammered” during voting. He further noted that several placards included messages such as “Fuck tha police Camp Sec” and “Give us underage drinking, or give us death!” The Senate’s live-tweeting account included up-to-date information such as “SAKE BOMBZ BITCHEZ” and later “sjahbfeuwehwdq!!”
Next week the Senate will entertain a proposal submitted by several concerned honor students. The proposal states that students may drink in proportion to their GPAs; students with a 3.0 GPA will be allowed a BAC of no higher than 3.0. Dean Spellwoman has no official statement on the subject, but did say, off the record, “it’s like they’re actually trying to kill themselves.”
Tabloid star Lindsay Lohan has allegedly pledged her support of “drinking until they drag you to prison” in the form of a hunger strike. So far, no one has noticed.
CMC’s Drunken Poetry Club (DPC) released a statement saying:
“First they came for the 5C TNCs
And I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a freshman.
Then they came for our vodka
And I didn’t speak out because I like gin better.
Then they came for our beer
And I didn’t speak out because I’m horrible at Beirut.
Then they came for my alcohol
And there was no one left to speak for me
Because everyone else was in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.”
The “Silent Majority” that Dean Spellwoman claims supports a reduced focus on partying could not be reached for comment. Because they do not exist.
– Clancy Tripp ’15 CMC