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95 Theses


  1. When our Lord and Master Gabrielle Jungles Winkler said, “water fountains are ugly, lol” (OH @ SCR), she willed the entire life of future Gabrielle Jungels Winkler Dormitory residents to be one of repentance of her disdain of logic.
  2. Scripps campus cannot be understood as physically unappealing, that is, lacking in rabid squirrels and references to neoliberalism.
  3. Yet it does mean barren walls such inner repentance are worthless unless they produce havoc among dessicate, anhydrous students.
  4. The penalty of exacerbated dry mouth after smoking a Phat bowl at Browning Tower remains as long as the water fountain-less, plaster walls namely till our entrance into Gabrielle Jungels Winkler dormitory.
  5. The thirsty Scripps student neither is able to quench her thirst with a CMC econ bro, nor a Pomona soft boy; she yearns for drinkable water readily available through those imposed by her own authority through the assistance of a hydrogen dioxide remitting apparatus mounted upon the enclosing barricades that stifle the osmosis of GJW inhabitants into the outside world.

    Nails sponsored by the Claremont BDSM Club™


  6. The Scripps College Administration cannot remit any guilt, except by declaring and showing that it has been remitted by its disdain of dilapidated, cumbersome appliances; or by remitting the judgment of other less aesthetically pleasing, more logically inclined institutions. If her right to grant water fountains in these cases were prioritized, the guilt would certainly remain unforgiven by the number 1 spot on Buzzfeed’s list of 20 Most Beautiful College Campuses.
  7. Gabrielle Jungles Winkler remits guilt to no one unless at the same time she humbles him in all things and makes her submissive to an ungodly, depriving institution entirely lacking liquid to the vicar, Gabrielle Jungels Winkler.
  8. The penitential canons are imposed only on the residents of Gabrielle Jungles Winkler hall, and, according to the canons themselves, nothing should be imposed on those  dying of desiccated hypertonic cells.
  9. Therefore the $19.99 Brita filter through Target of Montclair is kind to us insofar as the Scripps student’s wallet makes exception for buying plastic, the nemesis of her activism, in the name of death and of necessity.
  10. Those who have perished from the wrath of the California drought are freed by the empathy of GJW residents without readily accessible water fountains.
  11. Imperfect piety or love for the Scripps aesthetic on the part of almna Gabrielle Jungels Winkler (G:1972) necessarily brings with it great suffering; and the smaller the love, the greater the decorative horror that would manifest itself unto the gilded abode of GJW residents.
  12. Hell, purgatory, and heaven seem to differ the same as despair, fear, and assurance of salvation through a semblance of water fountains present in GJW and in each opposing living quarter.
  13. Therefore the Scripps College Administration, when she uses the words “nine unique residence halls” does not actually mean “all residence halls are created equal,” but rather omits the differentiation between those endowed with water fountains and those predestined to suffer for two eternal semesters in a purgatory of thirst.
  14. Therefore, GJW residents formally challenge the aesthetic excess of the Scripps College Administration and hereby introduce a Praticatal Reformation, marked by the introduction of universal water fountains and a subsequent decrease in blind loyalty to Gardenly expenditures.
  15. A boundless supply of liquid in the Garden nourishes stomata yet falls short of students.
  16. Furthermore, it does not seem proved, either by reason or by purposes of heteronormative, spanish architecture, that logic resides in the efforts to damn residents to purgatory, unable to reach peak hydration.
  17. When alas, the tenants of the eight other solemn domiciles bask in the endless supply of a basic necessity that the onerous Gabrielle Jungels Winkler deemed unnecessary, having never spent the monetary funds required for harnessing divine power via Brita.
  18. It seems as though for the Scripps College administration should insinuate fear, as GJW residents band together to demand universal reimbursement for the right to drink water in their rooms. That’s all they want. Just water– like maybe a couple hundred feet from where they sleep? Is that really too much to ask for?
  19. Scripps students are taught that if the greater sovereign power knew the exactions of the greater anguish they face, she would rather see Margaret Fowler Rose Garden were burned to ashes than built up with the skin, flesh, and bones of her sheep.
  20. And thus the confident empowered women (empower women) of entering into heaven through many tribulations rather than through the false security of peace

21-95. Lmaooo also can you also pls get the Motley some fucking berries so I can enjoy a Berry Manilow and expand the worship on the holy Tuesdays of snack to everyday like a civil institution? xoxo


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