You may know us here at the Golden Antlers for our commitment to groundbreaking journalism and board shorts, but we are also committed to the passionate affairs of the heart. So when we received this letter from one of our readers—drenched in the juices of love—we took it upon ourselves to pass it on to our readers. Sent in by Pomona first-year, Liam Davis, we hope that you feel the fluttering sensation of love (and slight indigestion) that we also experienced.
Dear Golden Antlers,
During my short time here in the 5Cs your publication has provided me with truly wholesome content. I have laughed, cried, snapped knees and dare I say even guffawed at your work. It’s as if you have peered deep into my being, took ahold of my soul, and offered to be its Flex Daddy for the rest of the semester. For this reason, I feel very comfortable opening up to you about the following: despite all of my efforts, I, Liam Davis, have had a tough time finding love here in the 5Cs.
One friend told me to try Tinder, but I’ve only ever had one match. She was this supermodel from Rancho that said she thought I was cute and wanted to meet up with me. The only problem is that after I sent her my credit card and social security number like she asked, she never got back to me. I’m sure she’s just been busy with a photoshoot and hasn’t had the time to get back to me, but I’ve also come to realize that the app just isn’t for me. Truth be told I’m a hopeless romantic, and I’m hoping that in writing this letter to you, your publication can help me find that special someone.
Now I may not be the most good looking guy, or the strongest, or the smartest, or know what the hell acai is despite eating it every day, but I want any women out there that are reading this to know that I have many great qualities. I don’t have a car or anything, but I met this Uber driver from Upland, named Tron who said he’d give me free rides if I helped him with this package delivery system he’s trying to get going at the 5Cs. I think students are really getting into baking because most of the packages are flour I think, or maybe baking soda. Whatever it is, it’s this white powder in little baggies that people get really excited for when I bring it to their door. Anyways, if you were to go out with me, Tron would be able to drive us around in his Camry along with his pet pitbull, Pitbull.
I consider myself a gentleman so I would only want to have sex when you’re ready, but I do enjoy cuddling. I don’t have Netflix or anything, but since I’m a politics major, I like to watch congressional proceedings so that I can keep up on all the happenings in our government. So, if you wanted to, we could totally C-SPAN and chill.
When and if you are ready for love making, I want you to know that I’d be ready to take care of all your needs. You should know though that if we were doing it in my room that I have a roommate named Eduardo that doesn’t leave the room too often. I don’t think he would be too much of a problem though because he’s a deep sleeper. As soon as he starts snoring really loud, we’d be able to make the magic happen.
If that’s a problem for you though, we could also be intimate in the shower. One thing you should probably know though is that I’ve had this weird rash on the back of my neck for the past few months that’s caused my hair to fall out when I’m in the shower. That might embarrass some people, but I think it would actually be pretty romantic since you could take whatever hair and dead skin I lose and always have a piece of me with you.
That’s just a taste of me as a person though, and believe me, there’s a whole platter. Some people may feel that they are too busy and don’t have time to be in a committed relationship, but let me tell you something that my father once told me: “No matter what people say, no matter what they do, or whatever obstacles hold you back, just remember that love always wins.” He said that before he walked out on me and my mom to live with his second family, but I like to think his words still apply.
If you think you may be my soulmate and you’re out there reading this, just know that I’ll be waiting for you, with my arms open wide, and my heart even wider.
Liam Davis, POM ‘21
Dreamer, Hugger, Lover