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Activists Argue That All Human Languages are Inherently Biased Social Constructs

 

Campus progressives have identified their latest target for reform: all forms of verbal communication. The new group, who self-identifies as “__________,” recently launched a 5C-wide campaign designed to bring awareness to the structural inequality that results from using vocal chords.

The campaign consists mostly of flyers covered with incomprehensible scribbles and hopes to spread the message that true political correctness requires communicating exclusively through chirps, grunts, barks, and other natural, anti-hierarchical animal noises.

“Language has a long and clear history as a tool of discrimination. It divides us,” said Pitzer senior Brad Eadeas through his interpreter, Alex the parrot, in an interview with The Golden Antlers. “Words are power. Only a society that uses guttural squawks and exaggerated hand gestures to communicate has a chance of being truly free.”

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Pomona sociology professor Jennifer Smith echoed this view in a lecture she delivered earlier this week on her 3:00 AM KSPC radio rhow, mostly by pounding her chest, waving, and making enthusiastic gurgling noises. “Every word ever spoken from Leviticus to Jim Crow is deeply implicated in this injustice,” she said.

The movement comes just days after the midterm elections, which many in the media have characterized as a sharp defeat for the political left. Jane Derpton, a Scripps sophomore commented, “What, no, I didn’t vote. All that just makes you a part of the system. This is a grassroots uprising. The real change will happen once we’re free to warble and snort without the burden of grammatical structures or set vocabulary.”

However, because many of these noises may have a sexual, patriarchal, or otherwise non-PC connotation, it will be a process of trial and error to develop this new form of communication. The goal is to finally give a voice–for lack of a better term–to those whom human languages have continually suppressed.

Some moderates on campus, however, have expressed their misgivings. “I totally see how vocalization as it exists today is a vehicle of oppression, but I believe it can be reformed,” said Johnny McDuggers, a Pomona junior. He suggests that the unfairness stems from verbs and adjectives, and that nouns might be preserved. “Of course, pronouns will have to go. We’ve know for years what a shitshow that is. I’m actually disgusted it’s lasted this long.”

Claremont College conservatives were noticeably silent on the issue, perhaps in a rare show of solidarity with the campus left. Alternatively, it’s possible they’re afraid to speak, for fear that their virginities will stay intact forever.  Additionally, they know no one would listen anyway.

Students interested in showing their support are encouraged to attend an audiobook burning at 6:00 PM this Friday, Pitzer Mounds. (To clarify, audiobooks will be set on fire, not transferred onto CDs.)

– Frank Lyles PO ’17 with contributions from Zach Miller PO ’17

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