Administration: Survivors of Sexual Assault Must Win Singing Competition to Earn Resources

A recent announcement by the Council of 5C Presidents states that survivors of sexual assault must win national singing contests in order to earn support and resources from the administration. “It’s not that we don’t care about survivors,” said CMC President Hiram Chodosh. “We just don’t care about survivors who can’t sing incredibly well. Let me put it this way: they’ll have to win The Voice to have a voice.” The new sexual assault reporting process will require survivors to sing the story of their assault in front of an American Idol-style panel of judges. Witnesses will harmonize in the background. The singer who can most melodically convince the judges to give their rapist a slap on the wrist will be allowed to begin the adjudication process.

The contest is the brainchild of CMC junior Jason O’Neill. “I think I can be the voice – no pun intended – for all survivors when I say it’s time for the administration to do something that makes it look like they are confronting the campus rape culture,” said O’Neill.

Even after figuring out the tricky process of entering the competition and overcoming the stigma attached with competing, contestants will have to navigate a tricky series of obstacles like the “Perpetrator’s Duet” and the “Rohypnol Round.” The final, live performance will be streamed from a frat boy’s iPhone.

The celebrity judges include Sony Music’s Dr. Luke, Bill Cosby, and Woody Allen. In an exclusive interview, the judges revealed some stringent requirements of the contestants.  According to our sources, contestants must demonstrate a masterful command of pitch and rhythm, show impressive control of breath support, and prove that they weren’t asking for it. Contestants could be disqualified for showing too much skin, drinking beforehand, or failing to tell the judges not to disqualify them.

But it’s not all up to the judges. Students from all 5Cs can vote via Yik Yak by reporting yaks that shame accused rapists and posting comments calling contestants liars and sluts.

The winning song will be played in the waiting room of the Monsour Counseling Center as survivors and others in need of mental health support wait 3 months for their appointments.