“What the hell?” Jesus was heard saying to an almost-empty Ath this Thursday.
“I am literally Jesus. What could possibly have drawn the throngs away from witnessing my miracles live and in-person?” He lamented, dejectedly putting his top hat and rabbit back in His magic kit.
At first Jesus thought it was rampant atheism at the 5C’s deterring attendance at His talk, but then He learned that actually the masses were making a pilgrimage to Pomona: He’d been out-holied by Angela Davis.
Tyler Tyler (CMC ‘25), an evangelical Christian who had thought this was his chance to get in good with the big man and he also wasn’t so sure about this Black Panthers business anyway, shyly raised his hand and informed Jesus of his rival across Sixth Street.
“Um, okay, what the fuck. Angie had been doing so well! All this neat activism, she even got a peace prize and I’m all about that shit, even if naming it the Lenin Peace Prize is sort of weird. She was scoring, like, mega heaven points. Easily 27, and maybe some bonus cool points for getting fired from UCLA, those smug bastards. I mean, I’ve got a soft spot for bastards because I literally am one, but those guys are seriously the worst. Sco Trojans, baby!! Not the condoms, I don’t condone those. Not because of contraception, I just can’t accept anything that deprives this Holy Dick of divine pleasure. Anywho, this totally trumps all of that. Negative 69 points (ha), right away. Straight to hell. She knew how hard I worked to land that talk! I even had to make a quickie deal with my old buddy Satan to get on the list. I was behind Laura Kipnis, Heather MacDonald, Jim Jordan, Ann Coulter, Adam “Big Dick” Smith, and Kravis’ mommy who always told him that he could put his oil pipelines wherever he wanted. I fiiiinally get to say my piece at THE Claremont McKenna College (everyone else said no), and that’s the day Angela decides to go speak at our archnemesis school? WOW. You know what? Banned from heaven. I’m Jesus, I get to do that.”