Anti Party-Regulation Bros Done Even Pretending to Care About Racism Now Spellman has Resigned

The past few weeks at CMC have seen the formation of alliances between many groups of students. One unexpected alliance is that between the students of marginalized identities – who have legitimate grievances with the administration – and students of masculinized identities – whose grievances stem from only being allowed to play beer pong on almost every horizontal surface in Claremont. The second group, CMCers of Color(ful shorts), recently began pretending to care about racism after spotting an opportunity to get rid of (now former) Dean of Students Mary Spellman, a perceived opponent of the unalienable right to black out on a Tuesday.

However, Spellman’s resignation has allowed CMC’s newest bractivists (bro + activists) to break this alliance and return to their old ways. The bractivists, many of whom dressed as “Mexicans” last Halloween, [ed. note: I have screenshots] were forced to decide whether or not to sustain their feigned outrage at the legitimately unacceptable mistreatment of students of color at CMC, which they are complicit in 363 days a year. Rather than continue pretending to fight for racial justice, they have resumed their previous roles as students, community members, and those guys who actually say the n-word while rapping along to their own bad remixes of Kanye songs.

However, just because they choose to contribute to an unsafe, exclusionary, and prejudiced campus culture, it doesn’t mean that the CMCers of Color(ful shorts) are done fighting for a cause they believe in. In a brave commentary on not caring about students of marginalized identities’ claims that they feel particularly unsafe at parties and students of the ability to hear’s desperate pleas to stop with the shitty EDM, the bractivists are joining with the National Association for the Advancement of Crappy Parties (NAACP) to throw a rager in the name of unity. “We see Spellman’s resignation as a sign that CMC culture is finally changing for the better,” said party organizer Brad Halverson ’17. “We believe that we’ve seen the last of racism, getting shitfaced-ism, and sexism at CMC. We’re glad that party-regulating, ballbreaking, harpy bitch is gone. Also, she was so… uh… microagressive? A homophone? Was it some racist shit she did? Whatever, I forget. We enjoyed jumping on the anti-Spellman bandwagon, and now it’s time to fuckin’ celebrate by getting too drunk to drive and crashing that bandwagon through the Collins window.”

The Golden Antlers will continue to bring you updates on this story the upcoming bractivist rally/TNC pregame in celebration of Spellman’s resignation. The theme is Post-Racial Society Bros and Social Equity Hoes.