All statements are written by the candidates themselves and have in no way been edited by The Golden Antlers staff. AKA we can take no credit for the horrible or the hilarious. Enjoy!
Ben Tillotson CMC ’15
Forget everything I’ve ever said about Senate, student fees, and the social scene. Truth is, there’s just one reason and one reason only that I’m running for ASCMC President, and it’s this: http://www.lubeparty.com/. I will not compromise and I will not back down, we will have our 300 gallons of glow-in-the-dark lube and we will have our Harvey Mudd engineered lube cannons. Great causes, ones truly worth fighting for, only come once in a generation. I’ll be damned if this isn’t ours. So, on Tuesday, remember that a vote for Ben is a vote for hundreds of gallons of phosphorescent lube raining down from the heavens onto your face.
Jeff Hochhauser CMC ’15
My name is Jeffrey Hochhauser and I am desperately trying to be your next student body president. You can just call me Gavin 2.0. I may not have previous ASCMC experience, but I’m confident that the 2 Seasons of House of Cards I’ve watched has actually over-prepared me for the job.
My platform involves five points:
- Transparency in ASCMC—If we’re going to have studs like Gavin running this place, his 12 pack should be on display at all times #amirite?
- Run ASCMC more JEFFiciently—Less arguing, more UFC style cage fights
- Get Miley. NO COMPROMISES.—Can’t stop won’t stop until she’s here
- Safety—Reduce reported “Nom Nom Nom” incidents by 75%
- Black out or back out
I chose to transfer from a school of 20,000 students to CMC for one reason: I might actually get elected to something. My parents told me I would never amount to anything…help me prove them wrong? Please?
Choose me CMC, because honestly, how much worse could ASCMC get anyway?
Julian Mackie CMC ’15
The last few days have offered each candidate a wonderful opportunity to rehearse talking points, show off our business casual attire, and appear consistently and overwhelmingly agreeable. Now I want to take the opportunity to address a real issue: Why the hell would we not have Lube in the Cube? And why wouldn’t we have it in THE Cube? I mean people!!! You don’t know innovation if you don’t recognize that a one-gallon lube cannon is probably equivalent to what the internet was to the 90’s. And what was Kravis all about? Being fiscally conservative. These Mudders bought lube for $2/gallon. $2 a gallon!? All they need to do is convert my car to run on lube and these are the coolest nerds ever. Now, if you’re like Kyle Weiss, you’re probably wondering, “is this spermicidal lube?” I don’t know but we all better hope it is. The point is that we need to support innovation like this. That’s what #CMCideas is all about. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish someone had tweeted out an idea half as good as, “cannons that shoot lube.” Let’s stick 500 people with 800 gallons of lube in a room with an abnormal amount of glass corners and see what happens. This is over 200 words. Screw it.
Chloe Zagrodzky CMC ’17
Hello, fellow scholars: my name is Chloe Zagrodzky. I’m a freshperson and I’m running for Sober Losers Chair. As someone who personally identities as a Sober Loser, it’s of the utmost importance to me that there are plenty of constructive activities for people such as myself. Some of my ideas include watching the Collins plate return spin on endless loop, admonishing people enjoying themselves after 7 pm, and hosting Saturday night study sessions in the Reading Room. In order to keep these events dry as 100 Days Party during this terrible drought, I plan to have a Breathalyzer present at every event I host. This will ensure that no unwanted guests enter, keeping with CMC’s tradition of exclusivity and hostility. I hope to isolate myself from the SAC and the DAC so that only my underground network of Sober Losers will be able to attend. Thank you for you valuable time, and be sure to vote on Tuesday! (Scholars with a BAC higher than 0.0 discouraged from the voting process)
**Candidate note: If you’re interested in being on the SLC committee, please submit an 800-word essay on why you felt superior while taking AlcholEdu. Chicago style bibliography only**
Jen Vaccaro CMC ’17
I’m running for SLC (Sober Life Chair) because I know I can make a difference. When creating my slogan, I strongly considered using “Jen and Juice” in the hopes of receiving a similarly large percentage of the vote distribution that Jessica Jin, current SLC, did last year (100%). As a member of Jessica’s board, I understand the level of commitment this position requires. I realize that I’ll have to cut back on TNR and Miley concerts in order to improve your social lives.!! As your SLC I plan to move beyond just the “Sober” territory and work with the DAC/SAC to make Thursday and Saturday parties more appealing, whether or not you’re drinking. The next DAC and I already agree that we must collaborate to have more activities at parties beyond the regular grinding and watching of Scripps girls get past CampSec. I also want to hear more input from you. I plan to set up ways for you to vote on events. Also, I plan to create more room for feedback so we can tailor events to your interests. Also..! !
– Ski-Beach (I’m already planning it for Jessica!)!
– Game of Thrones! !
Thanks & Vote 4 Jen!! !
Vivan Marwaha CMC ’17
Hello GA Readers,
Allow me to jintroduce myself. My name is Vivan and I come from the faraway land of New Delhi, India. Yes, I have a pet elephant. Get over it. Apart from the fact that I worked with Jessica Jin on the Student Life Advisory Board (SLAB), much to my dismay, I don’t have any jinteresting puns or experiences to boast of.
Let me give you a few reasons to vote for me:
- Even after being on SLAB, I do not know what a dry event is.
- I am going to give you FREE FOOD (Sunday night snack anybody?) because someone needs to enable the dealers on campus…. #Benson4lyfe
- I promise you that I will organize some of the nerdiest events on campus—has anyone seen my posters? Hub Quiz & ‘Boba and Board Games’
That’s it for me, don’t forget to Vote Vivan!
Jessie Thomas CMC ’16
When I was a little girl, the Boy Scouts denied my request to join, saying something ridiculous along the lines that the Girl Scouts may fit me better. This continued with my rejection from the high school football team and culminated when every frat I rushed didn’t accept my bid. I began to realize that I was missing something.
What I came to realize when I got to CMC was that I didn’t have anything to contain all that I had to give. Luckily, CMC has a SAC that’s big enough to do the trick, and it will soon be in need of filling.
When it comes down to it, I may not have a SAC of my own, but I know how to be a great one. If you vote for me, I will create a party scene that envelops the students of CMC, brings them close together, and keeps them safe, just like a good SAC should. Finally, I promise to not let things with DOS get too hairy, and to make sure everyone’s experience with the SAC is as smooth as possible.
Manav Kohli CMC ’16
In the words of no one ever, “fencing is sick.” The same source was quoted as saying, “I love Heather’s emails. Maybe I should bring a burrito to that showing of that shitty movie.”
Now back to the fencing. We probably aren’t going to be able to throw parties without them. If we can’t get rid of them, we better start forgetting about them. Here’s a handy flow chart to help you see what I’m getting at:
Figure 1: Party Strategy and Execution
As SAC, I would ensure that students are sufficiently hydrated every night of the week. Coolins dining hall even agreed, explaining that “people only eat our breakfast when they’re too drunk to tell the difference between rubber and scrambled eggs.”
CMC, I challenge each and every one of you to raise the standard of raging: we’re at Paris Hilton; we need to be at Jordan Belfort.
Figure 2: Party Standards, See Appendix A
All in all, the best way to tackle the fencing problem is to be ignorant of it. Remember kids, a fifth of fireball a day keeps you too drunk to see fencing and most other things a day.
Class of 2015 President
Abby Michaelsen CMC ’15
The real reason you should vote for me is because I am a 100% pure-bred Claremontian. Back in the early 80s my father, a dashing CMC economics major, fell in love with my mother, a beautiful Scripps woman studying Art History. Their first date was at Harwood Halloween, and from that hallowed night on they became the quintessential Claremont couple and bred the stagliest of Claremontian children.
Who cares about a candidate with passion and experience when you can vote for a candidate that literally has Claremont running through her veins!? You’ll never have to question my loyalty to this place because my DNA is literally hardwired to love CMC.
Us thoroughbred Claremontians are known for our agility, strength, and spirit. But most importantly we are known to be incredibly brave. In fact, we aren’t even afraid to cross enemy lines and contribute to our own opponent’s satirical website :).
I’m a thoroughbred of Claremont. I’m the Secretariat of the candidates. So Class of 2015, look no further and vote Abby Michaelsen for Senior Class President!
Clancy Tripp CMC ’15
I am so qualified to lead our class I’m almost overqualified. Here’s a teaser of my relevant skills and expertise: I can bench 340 pounds. #thankswhey. I was single-handedly responsibly for bringing back Arrested Development. I’m fluent in nineteen languages, one of which is Corporate Jargon. Synergy. Teamwork. Stock market. Rebecca Black once invited me to get down with her on Friday. I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep, but I will bring muthafuckin Beyonce to our school. J-Nauls emails me in lowercase letters. The Board of Trustees offered me the position of President but I was all like, “nah, let Hiram have it, I’ll just run for prez of my class.” My record keg stand time is four hours and eleven minutes. Fabbe and I go to Sushi Cruise together all the time. Class of 2015, vote Clancy for Senior Class President, or else I will take your roommate out to a nice seafood dinner and then NEVER call him again. Let’s see, what else makes me awesome and vote-worthy? I invented The Golden Antlers. Boom. Mike drop. Clancy out.
Class of 2016 President
Ben Turner CMC ’16
Hello Golden Antlers readers. I am running for Junior Class President, meaning this applies to only ¼ of you, and for ½ of those people, for only ½ of your academic year (sorry for the numbers, I’m not an Econ major). You may know me from Phillips last year, Wohlford this year or Claremont Compliments on any given day. Why should I be the name you check on your ballot though? Two key reasons: Dedication and experience. From planning, running and cleaning up events with FroCo and SoCo to helping initiate and carry out the Social Climate Roundtable, I’ve been there. But it’s not just events that happen on Thursdays and Saturdays. It’s the fact that I spent this past year attending each and every Exec Board meeting. I’ve dedicated my time and passion to make the experiences of my friends, classmates, dorm residents and fellow students of CMC better, and I hope I can get your vote to have a position, a budget and a mandate to do that, each and every day, in an official capacity, as your Junior Class President. Here’s a picture of me before eating a pie far too slowly.
Erin Larsen CMC ’16
Arson Larsen #SettingTheCampaignFieldAblaze
A vote for Erin is a vote for America. Some call me Arson Larson (I am in no way responsible for the Bernard Field Station fire….). Some call me loud. Most call me a real American patriot. True to my Southern roots that have ingrained in me the value of dependability, I never fail to turn up for my dear nation America. Since we love to demand tangible evidence here at CMC look no further than these pictures:
You ask why this is relevant? I have two-words for you Class of 2016, Benedict Arnold Turner.
Iris Liu CMC ’16
Write me in for a third term. Will work from Chile. Need $600 stipend for Chilean beer.
Class of 2017 President
Cassie Lewis CMC ’17
When voting for a class president, people often look for creativity, passion and dedication, something that all 3 candidates for sophomore class president seem to have in abundance. So what puts Cassie Lewis “above” the rest? Well, standing at nearly 6 feet, Cassie Lewis is, indeed, the tallest candidate. Studies show that, on average, taller people have higher IQ’s, earn more money, lead happier lives and are generally just great people to be around (citation needed). And with Cassie’s height a whole seven inches above the average American woman’s, it’s almost 100% likely that these statistics definitely apply to her. But don’t let her height intimidate you; she isn’t so different from other people. She puts on her extra long jeans one leg at a time, just like everyone else. So, when filling out your ballots, if you’re finding it hard to make a decision, remember; height is might, and Lewis has plenty of it.
By Miles Bird
Here I am on the World Wide Web,
Baring my 13 year-old physique to thee,
I stand among other 2012 Presidential Candidates,
Only 5 foot 3.
“Why should I vote for Miles?” One might ask,
“You’re dirty, fat, and look like you’re from a third world country.”
Well I’ll tell you why, I’d say,
‘Cause it takes balls to put a picture up,
That might scare away all female company.
So vote for Miles, 2012…
– compiled by Ender Wiggin CMC ’15