ASCMC Hires Actors as Stand-Ins for TNC

Older students of CMC often claim that the acquisition of “Thursday Night Club” by ASCMC resulted in its slow but definitive demise. As the only college with bureaucratically regulated underage drinking, ASCMC stipulates that all TNC events comply with DOS safety guidelines. Students attribute these rules to a stifling of organic party culture, such as the enforcement against free range drunken wandering that requires any loose grouping of five students or more, affiliated or not, be herded by a Camp Sec officer into an enclosed area for both social and sanitary reasons.

In recent weeks, regular attendees of TNC, a devoted group of students committed to fulfilling God’s work, have reported a shift in TNC’s level of “litness,” which CMC freshman Emily Golding nonchalantly used as a descriptor. “Yeah, we were checking out Bos because we heard Bos might be lit, and since the apartments weren’t lit yet we figured anything could be more lit than just wandering around before Camp Sec made us go stand around in an enclosed patch of grass”.

Emily, who became familiarized with the entire TNC population pool within the first month of school, was shocked to see unfamiliar faces occupying Boswell lounge. “The second I walked in, I swear to god, I saw some dude’s tip. He was trying to fit his dick in the faucet. At a TNC. Also, he looked a LOT like critically acclaimed character-actor Daniel Day-Lewis. Like, from Phantom Thread.” Golding continually emphasize that this event occured while she was, in fact, attending a TNC event.

Conversely, Sophomore Jonathan Vineyard, heir to the Vineyard Vines fortune, described a sort of Toga House tableau vivant. “Oh god, it was glorious. I’m a little buzzed from some GG–Grey Goose, I don’t drink shitty vodka–and I see her. She looks just like Mariska Hargitay from Law and Order: SVU and she’s lying on the linoleum floor next to a sign that says ‘come take body shots’”. While Vineyard’s comments regarding Grey Goose are not accurate–pretentious advertising does not transform bad vodka into good vodka–other party goers reiterated a similar account, supporting his assertion that the women looked like Mariska Hargitay from Law and Order: SVU.

We reached out to ASCMC with the hopes of understanding why various A, B, and C-list actors would be present at a TNC. A representative for ASCMC refused to comment, but using a basic “phishing” scam we were able to access the email account of a senior ASCMC officer.

In this way we found a series of official ASCMC correspondences detailing a plan to hire actors and actresses, for undisclosed fees, to attend TNCs with the hopes that they would enliven the events. The actors were specifically instructed to be “wild” and “enthusiastic,” and by the accounts of student attendees, they seem to have overcommitted to this role.

According to Freshman Julia Hines, she knew something was slightly off when she noticed a guy eerily similar to child star Macaulay Culkin rubbing two greasy slices of Domino’s pizza all over his chest while Mariah Carey’s “Touch My Body” throbbed in the background.