ASCMC Kills Arbor Day Rager, Future Generations

It was the shot heard all around CMC; a student proposed TNC event— highly anticipated Arbor Day countdown rager to be held on April 26th— was killed by a member of the ASCMC Executive Board for being “stupid.”

Arbor Day, an international holiday celebrating the sanctity of trees, reverberates intellect. Only a simpleton of considerable proportions will faithfully attest that Arbor Day doesn’t elicit a burning desire in students to sow the saplings of environmental advocacy whilst getting obliterated. Who WOULDN’T want to sway under blue strobe lights, surrounded by a myriad of potted plants, until they’re convinced that maybe they’re the plants themselves, complacently rooted in the CMC cog?

We here at the 5Cs are intellectuals, mind you. While you may think that all college students are limited to flavored Svedka and Pitbull remix fueled pre-games, we’re out here with environmentally sustainable Crop Vodka whilst jammin’ out to Miley Cyrus’s Wake Up America on repeat.

What ulterior motivations could ASCMC have to kill this event? We here at the Golden Antlers have done the dirty work for you, digging deep into the weeds of controversy to unearth a few theories:

1. The Lorax, a widely beloved family tale detailing the dangers of over urbanization, rejected capitalism.
2. Henry Kravis, big-time donor to climate change denying Senators, infiltrated the networks of the supposed 501(c)(3)— or is ASCMC really an undercover Big Oil interest group?
3. Claremont Colleges Inc., formerly the CUC, now has a fiduciary duty to their shareholders to slowly suffocate all children of the Earth in a haze of smog.
4. B.o.B. personally asked ASCMC to hold off funding any ‘eco-activism’ activities until he achieves his GoFundMe goal of $1 million to “launch multiple satellites into space” to prove the Earth is flat.
5. Free Speech. The only thing under more attack than Arbor Day Ragers at CMC is the freedom of speech itself. Thus, occasionally, the freedom to rage must be curtailed to make room for more speech from the student government to call their constituents ‘stupid.’
6. The ‘CEOs and Hoes’ TNC was scheduled for April 26th and, having already mentally committed to this theme, ASCMC didn’t want to unjustly shift gears.
7. TNC has actually been completely cancelled. All of its funding has been swiftly and decisively cut. Now, their new application process is merely a pretense for ‘standards’ which conceals its utter inexistence.