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ASCMC to Change Name to SOCMC (Secret Oligarchy of Claremont McKenna College)

 

The campus reverberated with an unparalleled lack of surprise when news came out that several prominent ASCMC, RDS and SIF students were members of a “secret” society [formerly rumored to be named “Princes and Theives”] now called The Strangers

The underground group of almost-exclusively male CMC students with ties to the Student Investment Fund and Robert Day School allegedly began 18 years ago and supposedly recruits 5 new people each year.  In 2013 former Forum Editor-in-Chief Caroline Mean blackmailed her way into the group in the name of feminism and paved the way for future classes.  The class of 2015 now includes two female members.  They meet late Sunday nights in the Claremont Village in the basement of Eureka Burger where they conduct weekly meetings.  The password is reportedly “Sic Semper Tyrannis” and each meeting begins with a group top-secret kiss-fist pinky-swear to never, ever tell everyone and the sacrifice of a virgin Scripps student upon the altar of Henry Kravis.  They then proceed to decide how best to rig elections and appointed positions in ASCMC, allocate the $400K that includes student fees, and otherwise be mutherfuckin’ bosses.

ALL HAIL THE KING
ALL HAIL THE KING

In response to former ASCMC President and alleged Prince Aditya Pie’s memo calling for parties that include all students, the student body will soon be releasing a memo calling on the exclusive “secret” society to include all students.  When asked to comment, Pie told the Antlers “I don’t see the irony here” and then appointed his younger brother Executive King of the Kegs and allocated his ex-girlfriend $72,000 for “fancy shoes and other girly shit.”

Former Forum Editor-in-Chief Caroline Mean oversaw the publication of the article entitled, “ASCMC Appointment Process Restarts By Committee Recommendation.” Said Mean, “We really went for the most uninteresting name we could find. We considered ‘5 Literature Courses to Take Before You Graduate!’ and ‘8:27 Procrastination’ in hopes that absolutely no one would read it but then the editor of The Portside was all like ‘Have some journalistic integrity blah-blah-blah’ and we were all like, ugh, FINE.”  Mean added that, “in no way” did she censor the comments on the article.

Sources close to Stranger members report that ASCMC representatives with ties to the group find the concept of student input and involvement “endlessly hilarious.”  Text messages recovered from former ASCMC Vice President Miles Hawk’s cellular telephone with timestamps between 9:30 pm EST and 10:30 pm EST include group messages with fellow Princes such as “LOLZ @ these newbs thinking they have a say in what happens at CMC” and “I’m making a motion to allocate $400,000 to WHEREVER DA FUCK WE WANT [Smiley Emojicon] [Moneybags Emojicon].”

Golden Antlers analysts, after extensive research, concluded that a full description and disclosure of The Strangers’ activities and meeting times is available in the ASCMC Constitution. Miles Deathson, Senate Pro-tempore and constitutional scholar, did concede that “the ASCMC Constitution is so long and boring that no one has read it in over fifty years.”  Deathson continued, “It’s pretty outdated.  I’m pretty sure that technically, under the ASCMC Constitution, talking to ‘loose women’ is still punishable by death.”

George W. Bush, celebrated hero of CMC students and noted member of the Yale Skull and Bones secret society called the The Strangers’ efforts “absolutely adorable.”

Stay tuned for future articles:  “Forum Publishes Article Entitled ‘JK There’s No Secret Society’: Continues to Accept 100% of Funding From ASCMC” and “Liquor Land Swears Undying Allegiance to His Highness The Grand Protector Senior Emperor Aditya Pie”

– Clancy Tripp CMC ‘15

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  1. HP = Harry Pellicoro
    TH = Tess Hubbeling
    AC = Aseem Chippikkati
    CS = Connor Schlegel
    LD = Louisa Dunwiddie

    Judging by the “Stranger” group texts and emails, this ‘secret society’ might be the funniest, most ridiculous, elitist, grossest thing I’ve ever read. Hey idiots, you can run but you can’t hide. Called OUT. They will probably deny that we know “nothing about what they actually do.” But listen, it doesn’t matter WHAT you do in this stupid group; it’s the fact that this ‘secret society’ exists at all. It’s exclusive and elitist. You guys are really helping the larger community – ya know the community that exists BEYOND your selfish interests. Lol. You dug yourself into this one.

     

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