The Claremont Colleges watched in horror Sunday, as gridlock in the senate effectively shut down ASCMC. Despite warnings by Exec Board members on both sides of the aisle (Econ Majors and Fuck-Ups), freshman Senator Austin Cruzgraf gave the senate a passionate 21-hour speech explaining the need to shut down the government.
The shutdown comes as non- econ majors in the senate are trying desperately to block any budget that does not include The Whites Only Party. Art History major Ben Dillyshisson explained that, “Every college student has the right to pop molly and go rage their fucking face off. I mean, if something goes wrong we all have healthcare now so what’s the big deal?!”
SAC and “24-Hour-Party killer” Mark Bluemengroup defended the proposed budget proclaiming, “For the sake of all seven children I have fathered in the Claremont Colleges alone, we here in ASCMC need to practice some fiscal responsibility. President Landgraf is more than willing make cuts to the ROTC gun budget, but he won’t even negotiate about his precious white people party! I will not let my school get ruined by a Muslamicist!”
Most CMCers are not amused and blame both majors for the shutdown. Mid quad resident Ben Fuksex told our reporters, ”I am a simple farmer who pays my activities taxes and tends to my livestock every year. Why should the senators all the way in the Kravis Center get to shutdown my government? I mean for goodness sakes, they furloughed Dora!”
President Landgraf called the non-econ majors “political terrorists” who care more about, “ Shitty electronic music than their place of learning.” He spoke passionately about how furloughed workers like Jim Balls were, “Sad at being called non-essential to the college,” and how snack has been reduced to just single onion rings, Every god damn night…”
In North Quad, despite the the closure of the Bauer Center, the Class of 66 alumni led by John Forhandjob have removed Camp Sec’s barriers and are visiting the memorial of Jack Stark.
Students were shocked to witness a high speed golf cart chase involving multiple camp sec officers outside of President Landgraf’s dorm room in what may or may not have been a related incident. Campus security has also released a statement to Pitzer College students informing them that, “No, lighting yourself on fire in the Kube is not an acceptable form of protest.”
In all seriousness though… Give me back my White Party.
-Ender Wiggin CMC ’15 and Tim Storer CMC ’15