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ASCMC Weekly Beat: Committee Votes to Commence Eating Children


Citing thousands of dollars in losses from CMC’s Collins Dining Hall, earlier tonight the members of ASCMC voted unanimously in favor of funding the consumption of human infants in lieu of funding the Collins Salad Bar, Hydration Station, and World Wok. Much to the shock of the student body, ASCMC’s current Chief Financial Advisor drew up the annual budget and concluded that the only viable economic option was to defund Collins’ Food Services Program (run by outside company Bon Appetit) and serve students wholesale babymeat, an option that Jasmine Delucci called “feasible and cost effective.”

“It was a tough decision,” explained ASCMC President Gavin Landgraf CMC ’14 “but ultimately the budget proposal put forward by Delucci [CMC ’14] was well thought-out and creatively managed.” Landgraf continued, “at this point, we just can’t afford to not be eating human flesh, especially if we want to keep funding The Ayer.” However in recent years, much like a New Jersey prostitute who has passed her prime, The Ayer has failed to bring daddy home the bacon and ASCMC’s Budget Committee has been forced to consider alternate routes for generating revenue.

“When you boil it all down, our hands are tied” asserted Dorm Affairs Chair Ben Tilletson CMC ’15 “if we want to keep TNC, the intra-dorm competitions, and the last vestige of a dying journalistic era [the CMC Forum], then using the flesh and blood of our brethren as sustenance is really the only way.”

In another controversial move, ASCMC allocated an additional $3,000 to a “Rainy Day Fund” or, as it’s called behind closed doors, the “Buy Papa Landgraf A Harley Davidson Fund.” While many board members protested this egregious misuse of student activities fees, the Freshman Class President supported the budget line, citing reasoning such as “it never hurts to account for unplanned expenditures” and “he taught me how to ride a bike plus he has a cool mustache.” The current Student Body President is on record agreeing with both statements.

Social Affairs Chair Mark Bloomenfeld CMC ’14 voted to pass the budget explaining, “at first I wasn’t sure, but then I met Mr. Landgraf and he seemed pretty cool, definitely ‘World’s Best Dad’ potential” and “This Rainy Day fund could save us from potential financial ruin.”

Also, the board voted to cancel The White Party.

Unrelated: the stock prices for Molly and Ecstasy [street drugs favored by youths these days] have plummeted, so we here at The Golden Antlers recommend you get while the gettings good.

– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15



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