Posts byAlex Valdesuso

Local Sports Team’s Privilege Threatened by The Truth

 

 BREAKING – CMS Boy’s Track and Field team declared war on Student Journalism after The Student Life posted literal facts about them. The TSL’s scathing report on the infamous “Rains Scandal” a couple months ago allegedly revealed the details of the event: roaming bands of scrawny, naked men manspreading across campus and looting decorative gym
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Dear The Student Life: Fuck You

We’re fucking relevant, so write an article about us.

 

 March 5, 2018 Dear the Student Life, Fuck you. We here at the Golden Antlers are disgusted by your behavior, actually not disgusted, we’re infuriated by your behavior. We try so fucking hard to get your attention, we’ve written numerous articles and letters addressed to you, we’ve influenced school elections, and we even gave the
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Your Dorm Room Decorations Are Actually Really Problematic, and Here’s Why

The Official Guide For Scripps College Students

 

 Look, I get it. You want to take a cute pic of your newly decorated dorm and post it on the IG and show Bria from high school that you know how to decorate. But honestly, you can’t do that without really evaluating the real world implications of your decor. Your intentions might be good
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18 Reasons the CMS Track and Field Team Could Have Gotten Disbanded

Brought to you by capital-J Journalists

 

 Look, we get it. Everybody fucks up once in a while. But it takes a lot to get your whole team suspended indefinitely. So what could have happened this weekend that actually caused the CMS Track and Field team to get temporarily shut down? Step aside, TSL, and let the capital-J Journalists do some investigative
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Michelin Reviews of 5C Dining Halls

The Michelin Guide, the most prestigious fine dining magazine on the planet, recently sent an unpaid janitorial intern to review our eating establishments.

 

 It is clear that Pomona’s favorite dining hall is King Kong Sushi, (obviously based on proximity), but every once in awhile in line, you can hear the faint murmurs of a freshman asking “Why don’t we ever go to Pitzer to eat?” and the scrowled response of “It’s not that good.” However, that time finally
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LEAKED: CMC To Go Co-Ed in Fall of 2018

 

 Claremont McKenna College has been an only boys school since 1946, but 2018 marks a year of progress for the college. After heated debate, the Board of Trustees came to a landmark 30-29 decision— female students will finally be eligible to apply in the upcoming 2018-2019 school year. Board of Trustees member Jeff Gallagher ‘68
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New Spring 2018 Course Offerings

 

 You may have noticed that the Course Catalog for this upcoming semester seemed a little light, and that’s because registrar completely forgot to add a couple classes before it went live. So instead of wallowing in self pity because you can’t satisfy any of your major or GE requirements, make sure to add these classes
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CMC Freshman Shocked to Discover God is Female Upon Accidentally Wandering Into Scripps Class

 

 Robbie Williams is thrilled to be studying at Claremont Mckenna after enduring four brutal years at one of New York City’s WORST $45,000/year private high-schools. After struggling through the rough streets of Manhattan, being forced to dine at five-star restaurants, and live in his parent’s $10,000/month apartment, Williams was dying to get out. “One of
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Bay Area Student Files for International Status

 

 Pomona junior, Jenny Johnson, made waves on campus this week when she petitioned to change her residential status to international, although not actually coming from somewhere outside of the United States. Johnson actually traveled 400 miles to get to Claremont, as she proudly calls Marin County “home.” Feeling that SoCal and NorCal cannot be anymore
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Welcome New Golden Antlers Hires!

@The Rose, ours are better than yours

 

 Earlier in the semester, the Rose sent out an email informing the entire student body about their recent hires. As this organization is of the highest caliber among groups at the Claremont Consortium, we decided here at the Golden Antlers, an equally high caliber group at the Claremont Consortium, that we should reply to their
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Where the Fuck is Oldenborg?: A Pocket Guide for Seniors Who Still Don’t Know Where Things are After 3 Years

 

 I know what you’re thinking, “I’ve been here for so long already, after spending 3 years in Claremont, I know I can draw an exact map of each of the campuses and include the topography and geographical coordinates of important buildings on it.” But we all know that you spent too many nights crawling around
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KLI: Prepare For September 12

 

 At approximately 12:15 PM Thursday September 7th, KLI (that mysterious large orange backdrop to the Kube), sent an email to all CMC students containing nothing else but this photo. The Golden Antlers’ Forensics Department spent the past 76 hours on a miraculous journey to answer the question posed in this powerful advertisement: ARE YOU READY??
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Letter to the Public

 

  Members of Claremont Colleges and the United States, You may have recently seen that President Donald J. Trump has claimed that our publishing establishment, The Golden Antlers, is fake news. We are truly saddened and hurt by these accusations, as we have done nothing but provide the truth, and only the truth, to all
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LEAKED: New 5C Clubs

Join them all!

 

 The 13th of September marks the date of the Annual Turf dinner, where all clubs are forced to go recruit new members, despite being satisfied with the number of participants they already have. The Golden Antlers has gotten a sneak preview of what new clubs are going to be happening this year at the 5C’s.
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