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    LEAKED: The List of People President Tiedens Plans to Pardon In Her Final Days


     In her final days of her tenure as President of the United States of Scripps College (January 20, 1647–April 15, 2021), La*ra Tie*dens plans to grant executive clemency to 238 individuals charged or convicted of federal criminal offenses, using her clemency power under Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution. Ordinarily, all requests for executive […] More

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    In Lieu of Iconic Green Cap and Gown, Scripps College to Send Each Senior a Hanes Men’s Comfort Fit Undershirt 3-Pack


     Fear not, Scripps Class of 2021! Although seniors will not be receiving the traditional sage green cap and gown, Scripps administration has come up with a much more exciting and innovative alternative: a Hanes Men’s Comfort Fit Classic White Undershirt 3-Pack.  Scripps College has remained incredibly transparent throughout the whole process, announcing their inability to […] More

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    Our Favorite Types of Voter Fraud, Ranked


     Ranking criteria: Efficiency (1-10), Creativity (1-10), Morality (1-10); Ranked from worst to best Please play responsibly. The Golden Antlers is not responsible for any voter fraud you may commit. Regular fraud: In this economy!? Efficacy: depends on who you ask Creativity: (0/10) Morality: (3/10) Overall: (1/10) Asking more foreign powers to meddle in the election: […] More

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    The Golden Antlers’ 2020 Election Endorsements


     For a long time (eight years and one week!), we know you have relied on us for all your opinions about everything in your life, and politics is no different. Thus, we have taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of endorsements for those voting in the Claremont area and beyond. Remember, if you […] More

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    Goodwill to Take Legal Action Against Scripps College Citing “A Profuse and Threatening Number of Used Dildo Donations’


     Earlier this week, Scripps College announced that they would move forward in the process of getting rid of all our shit. In a characteristically awful move, Scripps has now forced students to decide between having all of their belongings shipped to their home residence or donated. Fearing for their possessions which have been in storage […] More

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    Breaking: Match Claremont Exposed as Front for Russian Bots


     It is with great fear for our ever-weakening democracy that we, The Golden Antlers, release the alarming news that Match Claremont has been discovered to be a front for Russian bots. Like many other Russian bot Facebook pages, Match Claremont attempted to lure innocent Claremont students into a false sense of security by directly imitating […] More

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    Perfect Zoom Backgrounds to Set the Mood in Your DILF Professor’s Office Hours


     Just because classes have gone online for the rest of the semester doesn’t mean that you have to disconnect from your certified dreamboat professor’s hot spot 😉 We are quite tech-savvy here at The Golden Antlers, and we plan on using that skill for good (and insider trading)! So if you’re having trouble sliding into […] More

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    “I love the Office” and Other Unique Personality Traits to Include in Your Datamatch Bio


     Well, it’s that time of year again, folks. Datamatch is here. Putting yourself out there can be hard, but don’t worry–we’ve got your back. First things first, this advice is only for people who either did not participate last year (and therefore have not found the love of their life via Datamatch) or participated last […] More

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    CMC Announces Plans to Fuck the Black Hole


     In a press release on Monday, President Chodosh outlined the mission statement for the new and improved independent Claremont McKenna Science Department. Chodosh explained, “Our first and foremost priority is to provide an enriching education for our students that prepares them for successful careers in the STEM field. Right after that though is definitely fucking […] More

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    Student’s Decision to Skip Coachella Entirely Based on Moral Values and Not the Fact that They Spent All Their Money On JUUL Pods


     This week, role model and upstanding citizen Sarah Clarke (POM ‘20) made the brave and altruistic decision to not join her friends in their annual trip to Coachella. When asked what inspired her righteous act, Clarke stated “Honestly, I just feel like I’m one drop in a lake, and I just hope that it causes […] More

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    Two Weeks Post-Break, Bay Area Student Struggles to Overcome Jet Lag


     School is finally back in session here in Claremont, and Scripps’ weird dirt roads are bustling once more. Even though it may seem like everyone is ready to start looking at and then promptly ignoring assigned readings, some students like Nathan DuPont (Pomona ‘20) are still lagging behind. Traveling back to Claremont after winter break […] More

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    Motley to Introduce New Sustainability Plan For Spring Semester


     Yesterday, the Motley unveiled their new plans to integrate several eco-friendly practices. This plan is to be implemented completely by February 2019, and has received praise from several notable leaders in the environmental justice community including the Environmental Defense Fund, the Citizens Climate Lobby, and that group of Pitzer juniors smoking by the clock tower. […] More