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    Investigation Reveals Cause of Fallen Trees Actually Just Drunk Boys Wearing Flannel


     After noticing the abundant levels of urine at the sites of major tree falls, campus security decided to review footage of Friday night’s events. The video revealed a drunk, flannel-empowered gaggle of boys using state-of-the-art forestry techniques to topple trees. Officials have been able to identify the culprits as the now unrecognizable burly bearded men […] More

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    Opinion: Bathroom Doors Keep People Apart


     Just as Sunday football and Home Depot separate a father from family and the Lord, bathroom doors serve only as a barrier between my cold piercing eyes and your uncomfortable, speechless expression. Pew Research found that 99.7% of all God-fearing Americans were isolated by bathroom doors at least once, sometimes even twice, in 2020.  Yes, […] More

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    Service Dog Written Up for Not Wearing Tiny, Adorable Mask While Visiting Dorm


     Service dog Harry “Poochini” Hamden (PO ‘25) received a formal warning from Pomona’s Resident Life Office after a blatant, dangerous violation of the 5Cs COVID-19 preventative measures. Our favorite little Poochini was spotted exhibiting some adorable, but maskless, dog sneezes post belly rub in a Sontag suite filled with non-dorm members.  Pomona admin issued the […] More

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    How to Write a TSL Opinion Piece


     We’ve all had one of those late, sleepless nights where we just can’t stop venting about dumb shit no one cares about like Big Mouth’s animation style, why cell phones are more toxic than wildfires, why Ke$ha’s lyrics tick us off, or something that is a well-known fact that you just realized like a virtual […] More

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    When the Nest is Fucking Crowded: a How to Guide for 5C Parents


     As news becomes less reliable, more and more people look to the Golden Antlers to answer the most important questions of the day. While we usually prefer to give out medical advice, today we’re proud to be answering some questions from the concerned parents of first year students venturing into the new world of online […] More

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    Transports Reach Record High Due to Parents Weekend 2020


     Campus Security published the following statement Monday morning in response to the frightening levels of ambulances that visited campus this past weekend: Parents and Students,  We apologize for the unfortunate and unscheduled on-campus events that happened over Parents Weekend, a tradition of utmost importance to us here at the 5Cs. We have heard your complaints […] More

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    Prospie Triumphantly Returns to High School with Wild Drinking Stories


     Kevin Lock CMC 23’ returned to Green Acres Preparatory School for Kids Who Have Money for SAT/ACT Tutors Academy this past Monday after a weekend filled with the zaniest drinking stories his buddies have ever heard. Kevin arrived on CMC’s campus with the expectation that he’d get plastered with the bros and he wasn’t let […] More

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    Chopped: Collins Edition


     Four student chefs call on their culinary skills as they face off against one another to prepare a spectacular meal consisting of 3 mystery ingredients selected by the judges. Contestants will then face the dreaded “Chopping Block,” where a panel of four dining hall connoisseurs “chop” 3 students who fail to measure up in terms […] More

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    Scooter Gang Bursts Pomona Bubble: Holds Up Student for Flex Cash


     A world of crime and hardship has invaded south campus as recently Alexis Simmons PO `21 was stopped by a group of “frightening young men” on his way to get Boba Thai Tea from Coop Fountain. “They were on me in an instant,” says Alexis, “I was forced to choose between bodily harm or buying […] More