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    Jesus Finally Comes


      This Easter Sunday, Lent will finally be over, and the Pope can’t wait for Jesus to come. For 50 whole days, Franky had to practice abstinence and not eating meat (only on Fridays though–the rest of the time, he’s chomping beef to his heart’s content). Good Lord, it’s so long! So he really can’t […] More

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    After Studying Hard, Mudder Passes Turing Test


     “Super uncalled for that the CS prof made this the final,” reported Harvey Mudd student Wally T. Erminator, or “Optimus Prime” to his friends, after walking out of class last fall. “When she announced that we’d all have to take a Turing Test at the end of the semester and we all raised our hands […] More

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    Angela Davis Not Getting Into Heaven After Upstaging Jesus’ Ath Talk


     “What the hell?” Jesus was heard saying to an almost-empty Ath this Thursday. “I am literally Jesus. What could possibly have drawn the throngs away from witnessing my miracles live and in-person?” He lamented, dejectedly putting his top hat and rabbit back in His magic kit.  At first Jesus thought it was rampant atheism at […] More

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    OPINION: I Have Whooping Cough


      HuKHOO hORK HoRK HACK oog snORK snnnnNNN cRRhhhh aHEMMMM AHm CHr eRRRCCGH coffFF coff coff ATCHOOOOOOO Snek SNOK snif Hey, nice to meet you! Ah shit wait, lemme grab a mask. More

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    The Worm Trolley Problem


     Imagine you are in a trolley that is zooming along a track. Oh no! Ahead you see hundreds of worms squirming on the track, and you are mere seconds away from squooshing all of them. But wait! There is a second track, and there is a lever in your trolley. You can pull the lever […] More

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    Dear CMC and Pomona: Just Fuck Already


     We can’t be the only ones who have noticed. The endless bickering. The matching mottos. The constant dragging each other in prospective student tours. Cecil “coincidentally” getting way hotter the same year CMC moved to top 10 in liberal arts college rankings. For crissakes, the #1 most-worn clothing item on CMC campus literally actively encourages […] More

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    Camp Sec: Please Stop Trying to ‘Slip Us a Fiver’ to Walk Around Campus for an Hour Just to Feel Something Again


     The following is a letter obtained by The Golden Antlers investigative reporting staff. It came into our possession because Campus Security has sincere faith in our top-notch journalism skills and so they personally entrusted us with conveying this message to the Claremont Community, not because we were on campus and found it taped, 95 theses-like, […] More

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    The Golden Antlers’ 2020 Election Endorsements


     For a long time (eight years and one week!), we know you have relied on us for all your opinions about everything in your life, and politics is no different. Thus, we have taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of endorsements for those voting in the Claremont area and beyond. Remember, if you […] More