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    Help! I Found Candy In My Roommate’s Halloween Molly


     Dear Editor, I’m writing to you because I don’t know who else to turn to, and I’m scared. Last night, my roommate and I were preparing our Kravis and Roberts Halloween costumes together, and making sure we had enough room in our pockets for all the drugs we were planning to do. Everything was going […] More

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    3 Ways to Tell if You Have Piss Running Down Your Legs


      I Can See it, Like Actually Hey, it’s great to see you, it’s been forever! We haven’t seen each other since freshman – Jesus Christ, are you peeing right now? Right in front of my CMC’s The Hub Overnight Oats? Don’t even try to play it off or deny it, I’m literally watching the […] More

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    BREAKING: Pitzer Mailroom Ladies Holding Three Hostages, Won’t Release Them Because Authorities “Didn’t Receive an Email”


     A tense situation is unfolding this afternoon after authorities discovered the Pitzer Mailroom employees are currently holding two students and one delivery driver hostage. Despite multiple attempts from police and Campus Safety, officials have thus far been unsuccessful in freeing the hostages from the mail office. According to officials, the students are tied up with […] More

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    10 PROVEN Strategies to get a PERM Approved


     Step 1: Engage with the professor’s work Send them photocopies of their personal diary, letting them know that you know all about their research, academic pursuits, and regrets about marrying their high school sweetheart. Step 2: Give them your family background Let the professor know, gently, that your father is a very powerful man with […] More