Posts byJacksón Smith

ASCMC Kills Arbor Day Rager, Future Generations

 

 It was the shot heard all around CMC; a student proposed TNC event— highly anticipated Arbor Day countdown rager to be held on April 26th— was killed by a member of the ASCMC Executive Board for being “stupid.” Arbor Day, an international holiday celebrating the sanctity of trees, reverberates intellect. Only a simpleton of considerable proportions
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18 Reasons the CMS Track and Field Team Could Have Gotten Disbanded

Brought to you by capital-J Journalists

 

 Look, we get it. Everybody fucks up once in a while. But it takes a lot to get your whole team suspended indefinitely. So what could have happened this weekend that actually caused the CMS Track and Field team to get temporarily shut down? Step aside, TSL, and let the capital-J Journalists do some investigative
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Dear Student Life, Cease and Desist

From Infringing Our Funny Patent

 

 On February 3rd, the Golden Antlers informed the Student Life of their grievous behavior on February 3rd, 2018. Our request is simple: cease and desist from all funny business.  RE: Cease & Desist from Infringing Our Funny Patent Dear Student Life: We are writing you this letter to document a period of unrelenting infringement of
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AI RANKS OUR RESUME BEST IN SCHOOL

But actually, we are the créme de le créme of CMC’s pre-professionals

 

 Recently, in perhaps the most CMC-y development of all time, the Career Services Center has introduced VMock – a cutting edge artificially intelligent big data bot that will read over your resume, give it a score out of 100, and tell you that you need more action verbs.  While we appreciate the fact that Career
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New Spring 2018 Course Offerings

 

 You may have noticed that the Course Catalog for this upcoming semester seemed a little light, and that’s because registrar completely forgot to add a couple classes before it went live. So instead of wallowing in self pity because you can’t satisfy any of your major or GE requirements, make sure to add these classes
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Bay Area Student Files for International Status

 

 Pomona junior, Jenny Johnson, made waves on campus this week when she petitioned to change her residential status to international, although not actually coming from somewhere outside of the United States. Johnson actually traveled 400 miles to get to Claremont, as she proudly calls Marin County “home.” Feeling that SoCal and NorCal cannot be anymore
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10 Things Definitely NOT to do with the CMC email chain

We strongly condemn the usage of all emails

 

 Yesterday, a great gift was bestowed upon the students of CMC: the gift of responsibility. As the story goes, an unwitting sophomore accidentally emailed a survey to the entire student body without BCC-ing anyone (in laymen’s terms: he started the biggest, most lit group chat in CMC history). What followed was a glorious, shockingly funny
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Jacksón, Senior For Freshman Class Prez

I’m still a freshman at heart, and maybe in credits

 

 The Golden Antlers would like to announce the official Golden Antler’s candidate for Freshman Class President: Jacksón Curtis Smith, senior for freshman class president. For far too long, Freshman representatives have been running the Freshman class. In a rare sequence of events, we had a chance to talk to said Jacksón, asking him hard hitting
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Where the Fuck is Oldenborg?: A Pocket Guide for Seniors Who Still Don’t Know Where Things are After 3 Years

 

 I know what you’re thinking, “I’ve been here for so long already, after spending 3 years in Claremont, I know I can draw an exact map of each of the campuses and include the topography and geographical coordinates of important buildings on it.” But we all know that you spent too many nights crawling around
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KLI: Prepare For September 12

 

 At approximately 12:15 PM Thursday September 7th, KLI (that mysterious large orange backdrop to the Kube), sent an email to all CMC students containing nothing else but this photo. The Golden Antlers’ Forensics Department spent the past 76 hours on a miraculous journey to answer the question posed in this powerful advertisement: ARE YOU READY??
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Networking 101: How to land that dream finance/consulting/Deloitte job on Career Day

and be more pretentious than that Jefferson Buckley guy

 

 Networking 101: How to land that dream finance/consulting/Deloitte job on Career Day.  Here are the tips and tricks the Golden Antler’s have compiled from years of experience on the job: Tip #1: Pocket squares. Tip #2: Sleep with Debbie the Consultant from Deloitte and/or Steve the Analyst from EY to demonstrate your “interpersonal skills.” Human
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LEAKED: New 5C Clubs

Join them all!

 

 The 13th of September marks the date of the Annual Turf dinner, where all clubs are forced to go recruit new members, despite being satisfied with the number of participants they already have. The Golden Antlers has gotten a sneak preview of what new clubs are going to be happening this year at the 5C’s.
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People Creating Dirty Google Docs and We Caught Them!

Screenshot Journalism, the only truthful tool left

 

 BREAKING NEWS: The Golden Antlers has just discovered a new journalistic tool dedicated to truth and excellence: Google Doc screenshotting. Here’s how it basically works: Step 1: we go to painfully great lengths to personally hijack someone’s Google account in the name of honesty. Some devious nabbers are difficult and keep their passwords secret so
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Why We Trust The “Claremont Independent [sic]”

Claremont Independent Editorial, Claremont Independent-style

 

 Standing in solidarity with the Claremont Independent’s recent cry for help against our “censorious, bigoted, oversensitive ” “peers,” The Golden Antlers presents a letter delivered to us early this morning: From the Editorial Board Bros of the Claremont Independent: Dear closet conservatives hiding in Robert’s Pavilion and our beloved readers across the globe, there has
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Weeks After the Rankings, #1 College Pomona Emotionally Burdened

Students take refuge in #76 Pitzer College

 

 The aftershock of Pomona College’s number 1 ranking has manifested itself in the behaviors of the reluctantly perfect students. Hundreds of gifted Sagehens now feel unsafe on their home turf, constantly being reminded by the manicured lawns and historic architecture that their college is #1 in the country. “It’s really hard being number one,” says
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