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    Dear CMC and Pomona: Just Fuck Already

     

     We can’t be the only ones who have noticed. The endless bickering. The matching mottos. The constant dragging each other in prospective student tours. Cecil “coincidentally” getting way hotter the same year CMC moved to top 10 in liberal arts college rankings. For crissakes, the #1 most-worn clothing item on CMC campus literally actively encourages […] More

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    Students Say “Neigh” to the Admission of a Horse into the Scripps Class of 2023

     

     Protests erupted as “Rocky Thunder Orgasm,” a show horse from Topeka, Kansas, was escorted from Scripps premises last Thursday after repeated complaints from students. The controversy followed a decision from the Scripps College Office of Admission to admit the horse after Orgasm submitted a “staggeringly high” ACT score of 5, according to Scripps Chief Admission […] More

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    Pitzer ‘92 Beer League Team, Missing for 26 Years, Discovered Alive in the Andes Mountains

     

     Beer league–a Pomona-Pitzer tradition since 1776. One might describe it as “fun in the sun:” the game is slow-pitch baseball, filled to the brim with beer, bunts, bongs, Bobs, and brawls. The rules are easy–regular baseball rules, except every pitch is a strike, there are 4 strikes instead of 3, a mandatory 7th inning singing […] More

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    5C Jews Say “Fuck It,” Break Fast With Pepperoni Pizza

     

     In a shocking discovery, The Golden Antlers has found that last week a group of Jewish students of the Claremont Colleges decided to break their 26-hour fast for Yom Kippur–the Day of Atonement–by rejecting the shackles of a kosher diet and hitting up Matt from Domino’s for some sunset za’s. The Golden Antlers learned of […] More

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    Pomona First-Year Discovers That LA is Actually Nearby and That That’s Where the Train Goes

     

     In a discovery that has #shook the Claremont Colleges to its core, Pomona College first-year Frank Forlyfe has discovered that Pomona College is a mere thirty-three miles from the coastal city Los Angeles. The discovery came after Forlyfe and his friends were “sick of those smoothies at Collins being the highlight of their Saturday” and […] More

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    Expat Freshman demands COCK$ Mentor Group

     

     Just last Monday, Francis d’Onofrio III (PO ‘21) issued an ultimatum to Pomona president Gabrielle Starr: COCK$ OR BUST. In an exclusive interview, d’Onofrio painted a stark picture of a tumultuous first month sullied by the unfamiliarity of “tasteless” beer, a mysterious activity called “soccer”, and tubular yoghurt. These confusions, explained d’Onofrio, have left him […] More