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    The Wedding Party Gown Was So Tacky This Year!


      Trust me, I really don’t care that I wasn’t the bride at Wedding Party this year. I’m above all that. Anna-Katie Marie deserved it! I mean, she probably won’t actually get married for another 10 years. Of course I’m all for women supporting women, but…did anyone else notice how tacky her dress was! I […] More

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    Real-Life Maze Runner: It’s just Gabi Starr Chasing you Through Oldenborg


     Your 2014 Young Adult fantasy is coming to life next semester with Pomona Events Committee’s Maze Runner night when students enter Oldenborg for a fun night of fright! The goal? Escape the building without being slaughtered by President Gabi Starr.  “I think the energy is going to be soooo surreal,” says the head of PEC. […] More

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    I Thought I Was Rushing Pike… Why Am I Singing Outside of Frary?


     Ever since papa’s little swimmer crashed into mommy’s yolk, I’ve wanted to join Greek life in college. So when I saw sign ups for rush, I went in with massive expectations. Of course, I knew which frat I wanted to join: Aka Phella Bitcha. On the first day of rush, they told us to come […] More

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    2020 Census Counts White Twinks as African-American Females


     Oh no, sis! It’s #twinkgate. At last Wednesday’s White House Press Conference, Secretary Psaki announced that 2020 census data, collected virtually due to the coronavirus, will classify white, gay, hairless men as African-American females. When census collection began, the Trump administration planned to label men of this identity as males 15-18 regardless of age. However, […] More

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    OPINION: Stop Trying to Make Instagram Casual. Some of You Are Ugly and Poor


     As a rich and pretty person, it goes without saying that I must present myself a certain way online. It’s essentially a law that my social media be filled with hot beach pics in Turks and Caicos and candid selfies on my charter plane to Aspen – intricately curated scientific proof that the luxury life […] More

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    Emily Parks Illegally in the Village… She’s Such a Silly Goose!


     This just in: Emily is a Silly Goose. Perhaps you’ve seen her skipping through campus fountains, getting Peter to calm down at a party by saying: “Guys I know him. Listen to me, Peter, this isn’t you,” trying to become tiktok famous “as a joke,” or playing the devil’s advocate in her calculus class. We […] More