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    2020 Census Counts White Twinks as African-American Females


     Oh no, sis! It’s #twinkgate. At last Wednesday’s White House Press Conference, Secretary Psaki announced that 2020 census data, collected virtually due to the coronavirus, will classify white, gay, hairless men as African-American females. When census collection began, the Trump administration planned to label men of this identity as males 15-18 regardless of age. However, […] More

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    OPINION: Stop Trying to Make Instagram Casual. Some of You Are Ugly and Poor


     As a rich and pretty person, it goes without saying that I must present myself a certain way online. It’s essentially a law that my social media be filled with hot beach pics in Turks and Caicos and candid selfies on my charter plane to Aspen – intricately curated scientific proof that the luxury life […] More

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    Emily Parks Illegally in the Village… She’s Such a Silly Goose!


     This just in: Emily is a Silly Goose. Perhaps you’ve seen her skipping through campus fountains, getting Peter to calm down at a party by saying: “Guys I know him. Listen to me, Peter, this isn’t you,” trying to become tiktok famous “as a joke,” or playing the devil’s advocate in her calculus class. We […] More