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    Student Health Services Hires Actors from LA Casting to Solve Staff Shortage

     

     This coming week, Student Health Services (SHS) will implement a new plan to solve their staff shortage. In a public statement, they acknowledged the severity of the problem while emphasizing their main priority: finding skilled individuals that can fill in the vacant spots at the clinic. To solve the issue, SHS will be hiring actors […] More

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    The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First Years: Pitzer Edition

     

     Back so soon? Lusting for more content? A helpless Pitzer first-year in desperate need of guidance? If you consider any of the proceeding statements to be true about yourself, read on! We are extremely knowledgeable and we’re here to help, and today, we’re extending a hand to Pitzer first-years. #Gratitude Start all new nondenominational cults […] More

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    The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First-Years: Pomona Edition

     

     Anyways, here’s our tips for Pomona College first-years: Do you have anxiety about Pomona being “not prestigious enough” compared to your friends at Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, or Yale? Well, stress no more, because you’re right! Psst! Here’s a sneaky one for ya: Instead of telling your roommate to elbow you in the ribs, just lie […] More

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    CMC Removed from Niche College Ranking after Sending Bribe to be Higher Ranked on Top Party Schools List

     

     Scripps College recently lost its spot on the U.S. News & World Report 2019 best colleges list after it misreported data. But Scripps isn’t the only Claremont College in trouble for attempting to improve their ranking score. CMC recently lost its’ spot on Niche’s college ranking for Top Party Schools after trying to bribe Niche […] More

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    Scripps College Should be a Safe Space: Remove All Womxn so I Feel Comfortable

     

     Fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re walking through Scripps College, the women’s college’s campus alone when suddenly, an all-consuming aura of queasiness possesses you. You feel a compelling urge to grab your keys and put them between your knuckles as if you’re Wolverine. You dial 911 on your phone and keep it open, just in […] More

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    Why Can’t I Fuck in the Bouncy House at Pirate Party?

     

     Pirate Party is a sacred ceremony. A celebration of joy, established in 1348 when Claremont Men’s College was a mere infant of two years, Pirate Party holds eternal sanctity that we must all take full advantage of and bask in. Originally founded as a way to honor CMC’s primary funder and the original flex daddy […] More

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    Extreme Traffic on Route 15 as Students Rush to Vegas With Datamatches Release

     

     CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a […] More

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    Thanks, Scripps Core: I am Now Woke.

     

     Now, I know what you’re thinking: you did three whole semesters of Core at Scripps College, so you can never be offensive! And I’d reply to that with “yes, you are exactly right.” Scripps College core has really taught me so much and I confidently can now call myself woke. Like first semester when we […] More

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    Brilliant First Year Announces that Southern California is “Really Hot”

     

     BREAKING NEWS — Hailing from Needham, Mass., Pomona first year student Cameron Gilder has a made a miraculous observation, causing his peers’ intellect to pale in comparison. While casually strolling to class on Wednesday, Gilder revealed his glorious discovery: “It’s like, really hot here.” Do not make the mistake of grouping Gilder with the rest […] More

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