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    Thanks, Scripps Core: I am Now Woke.


     Now, I know what you’re thinking: you did three whole semesters of Core at Scripps College, so you can never be offensive! And I’d reply to that with “yes, you are exactly right.” Scripps College core has really taught me so much and I confidently can now call myself woke. Like first semester when we […] More

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    Brilliant First Year Announces that Southern California is “Really Hot”


     BREAKING NEWS — Hailing from Needham, Mass., Pomona first year student Cameron Gilder has a made a miraculous observation, causing his peers’ intellect to pale in comparison. While casually strolling to class on Wednesday, Gilder revealed his glorious discovery: “It’s like, really hot here.” Do not make the mistake of grouping Gilder with the rest […] More

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    Scripps College Solves Housing Crisis with Storage Pod Dorms


     Scripps College Residential Life has managed to creatively solve its persistent housing crisis once and for all in a logical and simple way: by providing Storage Pods for students to live in! Students have been raving about their single-dorm buildings. “My bed almost fits inside, which isn’t that bad of a deal,” Amy Braggard ‘21 […] More

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    Where Did Your Scripps College Tuition Go?


     Dear Scripps College Community, Recently, we have received many inquiries as to where students’ tuition is being utilized on our campus, as $72,956.00 doesn’t even allow for buildings that only have classrooms in them. We can assure you that your entire life savings plus another lifetime of debt is going to your elite education, incredible […] More

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    Finals Killed My Sex Drive – A CMC Confession


     Last Sunday morning the Golden Antlers received an anonymous letter that was slid under the door of one of our fellow writers. We take it upon ourselves as the top journalistic publication at the 5C’s to make the community aware of the student’s suffering. Below is the letter. Hello I am a Junior at Claremont […] More

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    Local Sports Team’s Privilege Threatened by The Truth


     BREAKING – CMS Boy’s Track and Field team declared war on Student Journalism after The Student Life posted literal facts about them. The TSL’s scathing report on the infamous “Rains Scandal” a couple months ago allegedly revealed the details of the event: roaming bands of scrawny, naked men manspreading across campus and looting decorative gym […] More

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    A Frank Stream of Consciousness


     As investigative journalists dedicated to public service, we here at the Golden Antlers have bestowed it upon ourselves to expose the true nature of Frank’s dining hall at Pomona College (Claremont, CA 91711).  Here is a cesspool where normal human interaction ceases to exist but rather elicits the more carnal side of mankind. The Golden […] More

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    95 Theses


      When our Lord and Master Gabrielle Jungles Winkler said, “water fountains are ugly, lol” (OH @ SCR), she willed the entire life of future Gabrielle Jungels Winkler Dormitory residents to be one of repentance of her disdain of logic. Scripps campus cannot be understood as physically unappealing, that is, lacking in rabid squirrels and […] More

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    Local Dad Gives Son, Harvey Mudd Freshman, Extremely Unrealistic Amount of Condoms


     SEATTLE, WA– Our sources indicate that local dad, Frank Simmons of Bellevue, has given his son, Sam, an overwhelmingly impractical number of condoms upon his return to Harvey Mudd College. At SeaTac International Airport, after a brief hug in front of terminal four, Frank returned to the car to get one last thing before he […] More

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