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CMC Removed from Niche College Ranking after Sending Bribe to be Higher Ranked on Top Party Schools List
Scripps College recently lost its spot on the U.S. News & World Report 2019 best colleges list after it misreported data. But Scripps isn’t the only Claremont College in trouble for attempting to improve their ranking score. CMC recently lost its’ spot on Niche’s college ranking for Top Party Schools after trying to bribe Niche […] More
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Scripps College Should be a Safe Space: Remove All Womxn so I Feel Comfortable
Fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re walking through Scripps College, the women’s college’s campus alone when suddenly, an all-consuming aura of queasiness possesses you. You feel a compelling urge to grab your keys and put them between your knuckles as if you’re Wolverine. You dial 911 on your phone and keep it open, just in […] More
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Why Can’t I Fuck in the Bouncy House at Pirate Party?
Pirate Party is a sacred ceremony. A celebration of joy, established in 1348 when Claremont Men’s College was a mere infant of two years, Pirate Party holds eternal sanctity that we must all take full advantage of and bask in. Originally founded as a way to honor CMC’s primary funder and the original flex daddy […] More
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Extreme Traffic on Route 15 as Students Rush to Vegas With Datamatches Release
CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a […] More
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Thanks, Scripps Core: I am Now Woke.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: you did three whole semesters of Core at Scripps College, so you can never be offensive! And I’d reply to that with “yes, you are exactly right.” Scripps College core has really taught me so much and I confidently can now call myself woke. Like first semester when we […] More
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Brilliant First Year Announces that Southern California is “Really Hot”
BREAKING NEWS — Hailing from Needham, Mass., Pomona first year student Cameron Gilder has a made a miraculous observation, causing his peers’ intellect to pale in comparison. While casually strolling to class on Wednesday, Gilder revealed his glorious discovery: “It’s like, really hot here.” Do not make the mistake of grouping Gilder with the rest […] More
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Scripps College Solves Housing Crisis with Storage Pod Dorms
Scripps College Residential Life has managed to creatively solve its persistent housing crisis once and for all in a logical and simple way: by providing Storage Pods for students to live in! Students have been raving about their single-dorm buildings. “My bed almost fits inside, which isn’t that bad of a deal,” Amy Braggard ‘21 […] More
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Where Did Your Scripps College Tuition Go?
Dear Scripps College Community, Recently, we have received many inquiries as to where students’ tuition is being utilized on our campus, as $72,956.00 doesn’t even allow for buildings that only have classrooms in them. We can assure you that your entire life savings plus another lifetime of debt is going to your elite education, incredible […] More
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Finals Killed My Sex Drive – A CMC Confession
Last Sunday morning the Golden Antlers received an anonymous letter that was slid under the door of one of our fellow writers. We take it upon ourselves as the top journalistic publication at the 5C’s to make the community aware of the student’s suffering. Below is the letter. Hello I am a Junior at Claremont […] More
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Local Sports Team’s Privilege Threatened by The Truth
BREAKING – CMS Boy’s Track and Field team declared war on Student Journalism after The Student Life posted literal facts about them. The TSL’s scathing report on the infamous “Rains Scandal” a couple months ago allegedly revealed the details of the event: roaming bands of scrawny, naked men manspreading across campus and looting decorative gym […] More
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A Frank Stream of Consciousness
As investigative journalists dedicated to public service, we here at the Golden Antlers have bestowed it upon ourselves to expose the true nature of Frank’s dining hall at Pomona College (Claremont, CA 91711). Here is a cesspool where normal human interaction ceases to exist but rather elicits the more carnal side of mankind. The Golden […] More
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