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  • Scared guy in mask with molly
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    Help! I Found Candy In My Roommate’s Halloween Molly


     Dear Editor, I’m writing to you because I don’t know who else to turn to, and I’m scared. Last night, my roommate and I were preparing our Kravis and Roberts Halloween costumes together, and making sure we had enough room in our pockets for all the drugs we were planning to do. Everything was going […] More

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    “Dining Hall Staff Aren’t Skilled Workers,” Says Pomona VP Struggling To Open Mayo Jar


     CLAREMONT, CA – In a shocking turn of events, Pomona’s Vice President of Golden Hoards or something like that hosted a press conference this evening from his kitchen to comment on the Pomona dining hall staff’s ongoing struggle for fair pay. The VP, who asked to remain anonymous but is statistically most likely named Robert, […] More

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    Jesus Finally Comes


      This Easter Sunday, Lent will finally be over, and the Pope can’t wait for Jesus to come. For 50 whole days, Franky had to practice abstinence and not eating meat (only on Fridays though–the rest of the time, he’s chomping beef to his heart’s content). Good Lord, it’s so long! So he really can’t […] More

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    “Is This Guy Bothering You?” Asks Guy Bothering You


     CLAREMONT, CA — Sources close to you report that your night out at Green Beach took an unexpected turn when a guy wearing a “Pussy Power” t-shirt stumbled up to you, loudly interrupting your conversation with your date to ask, “Is this guy bothering you?” According to your suitemate, Sandra Handlehands PO ‘22, the interruption […] More

  • Kravis and Roberts as Two Turkeys
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    Kravis and Roberts Don’t See What’s So Bad About Thanksgiving


      PALM BEACH, FL — In an unexpected press conference, Henry Kravis and George Roberts recently stated that they, “don’t see what’s so bad about Thanksgiving.” The duo, clad in matching turkey-print pajamas in the queen-sized bed they share at their Florida vacation home, were apparently taken with the “Thanksgiving Spirit,” and chose to “set […] More

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    Pitzer Grants Honorary Degrees to White House Staffers Fired for Smoking Weed


     CLAREMONT, CA —  Pitzer College issued a statement on April 20, 2021 at 4:27 am (they were busy until then) that the college will be granting honorary degrees to former White House staffers who were terminated due to the Biden administration’s policy on past marijuana use. The Golden Antlers has provided the full statement below.  […] More

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    Cracking Down: Pomona-Pitzer Athletics Announces “No TV for Two Weeks” for PP Football Player


     Over the last week, the Pomona-Pitzer Athletics Department has faced outcry from 5C athletics teams and community members over lack of decisive action against a Pomona-Pitzer football player whose discriminatory TikToks were circulated on social media last weekend. But just this morning, in what some are calling a “landmark win for accountability,” Pomona-Pitzer Athletics released […] More

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    Our Favorite Types of Voter Fraud, Ranked


     Ranking criteria: Efficiency (1-10), Creativity (1-10), Morality (1-10); Ranked from worst to best Please play responsibly. The Golden Antlers is not responsible for any voter fraud you may commit. Regular fraud: In this economy!? Efficacy: depends on who you ask Creativity: (0/10) Morality: (3/10) Overall: (1/10) Asking more foreign powers to meddle in the election: […] More

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    Thinking Inside The Box: Are Mimes The Future Of Virtual Learning?


     We’ve heard it time and again since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic: these are uncertain and unprecedented times. Now, months later, little has changed, and students across the country are struggling to adjust to the challenges posed by a completely virtual education system. But there’s one group of students who aren’t worried at all. […] More