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    Administration Releases New Hunting Guidelines for 2019 Prospie Season

     

     This morning at 8 AM, the Dean of Students office at Claremont McKenna College released the 2019 rules and guidelines for this upcoming Open Prospie Season. This weekend marks the annual Prospectostudentante migration, a weekend long period where more than 500 Prospectostudentantes will trek through the consortium, grazing upon the natural resources of the land […] More

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    I Pledge Not to View Any Pictures of Jeff Bezos’s Penis

     

     In a medium post released today, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos offered news that has shaken America to its core. According to Mr. Bezos, the vile tabloid National Enquirer has secured a series of compromising images of the CEO and his lover. The National Enquirer has threatened to release these pictures if Bezos refuses to end […] More

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    More Like Cuck Science Center: Which One of You Nerds Fucked My Wife?

     

     Alright eggheads–the jig is up. It’s time to put down your stethoscopes and your microscopes and your lab-coats and turn your attention to me, because I have Demands and I will not rest until they have been answered. Last night I discovered incontrovertible evidence of a sordid affair. In my own marital bed, the very […] More

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    CMC to Remove Controversial Statue of Chilean Dictator Augusto Pinochet

     

     After weeks of furious debate, the Associated Students of Claremont McKenna College, the CMC Board of Trustees, and President Hiram Chodosh have come to a joint agreement for the removal of the infamous 40-foot-tall statue of the late Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet that stands in front of the Hub. Echoing a similar debate at Pitzer […] More

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    CMC Sophomores Win Hult Prize With JUUL That Mines Bitcoin

     

     Team of CMC Sophomores Become Hult Prize Regional Finalists Claremont McKenna College has always tried to encourage entrepreneurship that not only makes bank, but benefits society. For this year’s Hult Prize competition, one team of CMC sophomores has taken this idea to new heights. Students Randy Kraft, Pete Roomba, Matt Josh, and Rick Cheek (all […] More

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    ASCMC Hires Actors as Stand-Ins for TNC

     

     Older students of CMC often claim that the acquisition of “Thursday Night Club” by ASCMC resulted in its slow but definitive demise. As the only college with bureaucratically regulated underage drinking, ASCMC stipulates that all TNC events comply with DOS safety guidelines. Students attribute these rules to a stifling of organic party culture, such as […] More

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    CMC Increases Military Spending

     

     In a leaked budget for the 2018 – 2019 academic year, CMC projects an increase in military spending from $205,000 to $2.3 million. President Chodosh admits that the budget was first expanded to purchase drones, which arose from a misunderstanding. Several undercover agents had reported to the CMC administration that students were playing with drones […] More

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    Exposed: President Chodosh Spent Thousands of CMC Endowment Funds Naming Stars After Himself

     

     As part of our ongoing journalistic efforts to hold the administrations of the Claremont Colleges accountable for their actions, The Golden Antlers has recently completed a multi-year audit of the finances of each of the five colleges. While we were pleased to find few significant irregularities in the Colleges’ spending, we discovered one recurring purchase, […] More

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    10 Things I Wish CMC Bros Would Stop Saying to Me After I Kidnap Them

     

     By Anonymous Contributor   CMC Bros: if you go to the 5Cs, odds are you know some things about them. they are big, they are loud, they like salmon shorts, economics and beer pong. But from someone who does not attend the 5Cs (I am in my 7th year of veterinary school), here’s something you […] More

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    Donald Trump Withdraws From Presidential Race Following Scathing Facebook Post by Pomona Freshman

     

     Donald J. Trump, the billionaire businessman and frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination, has suspended his campaign after reading a fiercely critical Facebook post written by Pomona freshman and brave hero Leopold Magnus Jr. In his blistering post, which received 14 ‘likes’ and one comment by a fellow student which read “Preach” or “Truth” or something, […] More

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    White Student Announces Reverse Hunger Strike to Protest Reverse Racism

     

     Following last month’s protests by students of color, Allerton Buckley, a white student at CMC, has announced his intention to go on a reverse-hunger strike to protest reverse-racism at the Claremont Colleges. Buckley said that he hopes that his reverse protest will help highlight issues of the reverse-discrimination, reverse-microaggressions and reverse-marginalization that students of no […] More

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