Posts bySam Peterson

On Erecting Statues

Kneel before your god, Babylon.


 Disclaimer: We at the Golden Antlers are capital-J Journalists. We would never stoop to the level of reporting that merely focused on hypermasculine, heteronormative phallus jokes. Now let’s get out there and make a difference! Look, we haven’t commented on the sculpture outside Collins until now because we thought most of the dick jokes would

Freshman Wine Tasting Survival Guide

Come all ye youths


 Welcome to CMC, youths. We know this can be a trying time as you juggle 12 institute applications with your love of Russian ballet, coding, and your pending Goldman internship, which is why we’ve decided to take pity and explain how to relax occasionally and join our high-functioning institution. We have meetings on Tuesdays. 6:01

Republican Debate Breaks CMC Power Grid


 On Wednesday night, for the first time since Reagan announced his candidacy for the papacy, the CMC power grid spontaneously short-circuited as the student body allegedly turned on 1,083 televisions simultaneously at 5pm.   “Today is a date which will live in infamy. We had been warned by the grounds crew that this sort of