Posts bySam Peterson

18 Reasons the CMS Track and Field Team Could Have Gotten Disbanded

Brought to you by capital-J Journalists

 

 Look, we get it. Everybody fucks up once in a while. But it takes a lot to get your whole team suspended indefinitely. So what could have happened this weekend that actually caused the CMS Track and Field team to get temporarily shut down? Step aside, TSL, and let the capital-J Journalists do some investigative
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Dear Student Life, Cease and Desist

From Infringing Our Funny Patent

 

 On February 3rd, the Golden Antlers informed the Student Life of their grievous behavior on February 3rd, 2018. Our request is simple: cease and desist from all funny business.  RE: Cease & Desist from Infringing Our Funny Patent Dear Student Life: We are writing you this letter to document a period of unrelenting infringement of
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Michelin Reviews of 5C Dining Halls

The Michelin Guide, the most prestigious fine dining magazine on the planet, recently sent an unpaid janitorial intern to review our eating establishments.

 

 It is clear that Pomona’s favorite dining hall is King Kong Sushi, (obviously based on proximity), but every once in awhile in line, you can hear the faint murmurs of a freshman asking “Why don’t we ever go to Pitzer to eat?” and the scrowled response of “It’s not that good.” However, that time finally
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KLI: Prepare For September 12

 

 At approximately 12:15 PM Thursday September 7th, KLI (that mysterious large orange backdrop to the Kube), sent an email to all CMC students containing nothing else but this photo. The Golden Antlers’ Forensics Department spent the past 76 hours on a miraculous journey to answer the question posed in this powerful advertisement: ARE YOU READY??
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The Golden Antlers Presents: The Great Prezi Apology

 

 Earlier this week, some esteemed GA writers composed thoughtful, articulate, and useful guidelines to using Prezi to improve your performance and avoid prematurely finishing your presentations. We have received thoughtful, articular, and useful feedback on these guidelines, and want to follow up on this piece. Guys, we understand that the first few weeks of the
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The Golden Antlers Presents: The Great Prezi Party

It's like a Gatsby party, but with more synergy.

 

 It’s week 1 of your FHS. Your professor has already assigned 4 papers, 7 chapters of reading, and 3 presentations, all due in 2 days. With your 18 institute applications, internship essays for junior year, and plethora of thesis ideas you already have, how will you ever manage to get it all done? Fear not,
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On Erecting Statues

Kneel before your god, Babylon.

 

 Disclaimer: We at the Golden Antlers are capital-J Journalists. We would never stoop to the level of reporting that merely focused on hypermasculine, heteronormative phallus jokes. Now let’s get out there and make a difference! Look, we haven’t commented on the sculpture outside Collins until now because we thought most of the dick jokes would
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Freshman Wine Tasting Survival Guide

Come all ye youths

 

 Welcome to CMC, youths. We know this can be a trying time as you juggle 12 institute applications with your love of Russian ballet, coding, and your pending Goldman internship, which is why we’ve decided to take pity and explain how to relax occasionally and join our high-functioning institution. We have meetings on Tuesdays. 6:01
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Claremont McKenna College Revises Water Usage Policy

 

 As the historic California drought enters its fourth year, all Claremont Colleges are considering ways to drastically reduce water usage. New surveys report that over 80% of Pomona, Pitzer, Scripps, and Harvey Mudd students care deeply about reducing their water footprint. Comprehensive analyses of CMC’ers, however, reveals they “don’t really give a fuck.” This made
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Republican Debate Breaks CMC Power Grid

 

 On Wednesday night, for the first time since Reagan announced his candidacy for the papacy, the CMC power grid spontaneously short-circuited as the student body allegedly turned on 1,083 televisions simultaneously at 5pm.   “Today is a date which will live in infamy. We had been warned by the grounds crew that this sort of
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