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    95 Theses

     

      When our Lord and Master Gabrielle Jungles Winkler said, “water fountains are ugly, lol” (OH @ SCR), she willed the entire life of future Gabrielle Jungels Winkler Dormitory residents to be one of repentance of her disdain of logic. Scripps campus cannot be understood as physically unappealing, that is, lacking in rabid squirrels and […] More

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    ASCMC Hires Actors as Stand-Ins for TNC

     

     Older students of CMC often claim that the acquisition of “Thursday Night Club” by ASCMC resulted in its slow but definitive demise. As the only college with bureaucratically regulated underage drinking, ASCMC stipulates that all TNC events comply with DOS safety guidelines. Students attribute these rules to a stifling of organic party culture, such as […] More

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    Welcoming Officer Red Dogg

     

     This past month, Campus Security welcomed a new member to the force: Officer Red Dogg. With the 5C faculty’s lack of diversity drawing complaints, Dogg’s hiring marks an improvement upon Camp Sec’s currently 100% Homo sapien makeup. With a keen sense of scent perfect for tracking down kids smoking on the Pomona trails and the […] More

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    People My Grandma Thinks Should Speak at the Ath

     

     My grandma is absolutely thrilled that I’m at CMC. She sees it as a “wonderful educational opportunity,” where I’m going to “grow into the adult that I’m destined to become.” Her favorite part about the college, though, is the Athenaeum. She always calls me just to tell me about the people she thinks would be […] More