I didn’t want to say anything but I’m at a fucking breaking point. Why, on my dear mother’s life, does Big Bird occupy every other inch of this campus.
I know I know I know, you’ll say what all my “friends” have been saying to me on repeat, “AJ, that isn’t Big Bird, that’s Cecil the Sagehen.”
They’re mocking me.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Julia. A big bird by any other moniker would still have a sister named Esmerelda, re:episode 1260 of Sesame street.
That’s right, the Deep State™ made a fatal flaw. For all the planning and cabals and resources they have at their disposal, they slipped. They assumed I wouldn’t be up to date on my Big Bird knowledge. They probably thought I’d be too busy with “classes” and “trying to secure an internship at Accenture.” *scoff* They thought I’d miss the important stuff, the real stuff. Well I didn’t.
For instance, did you know that Big Bird is supposedly part lark, part homing pigeon? Of course you didn’t know that, they don’t want you to. Well I found out. You know what lark rhymes with?
N•A•R•C: A federal agent or police officer who enforces the laws regarding illicit sale or use of drugs and narcotics.
And now the homing pigeon part makes more sense. He’s homing in to your location at any given moment. Why else would he have just been standing there at that PP vs CMS football game, watching me, right after I got high off my ass?
Narc narc narc
That’s not all, not even close. Big Bird is notoriously best friends with Aloysius Snuffleupagus, or more commonly known, Mr. Snuffleupagus.
In a recent article (2015) in which the
puppeteers “creators” behind Sesame Street were interviewed about their process in introducing Snuffleupagus to the masses, they said:
“He was shy, he had bad timing, and the joke was, he’s big, you can’t miss him, but adults being the way they are—preoccupied, going to work, you know—they miss those little details. And Snuffleupagus just happened to be one of those little details that they kept missing year after year after year.”
Boom. With all the time that Big Bird spent with Snuff, possibly a KGB agent, he surely learned the espionage required to follow me around, here in Claremont.
Narc narc narc
But there’s something else, something I can’t shake. Big Bird’s birthday is March 20th. Yeah yeah, we all know that, but what do I have to add? Well, you know what happened on March 20th. We all do. The Arts Club of Chicago hosted the opening of Pablo Picasso‘s first United States showing, entitled Original Drawings by Pablo Picasso.
And what’s an original drawing of Pablo Picasso?
And what was Jim Hensen’s first sketch of Big Bird?
It’s like they think we’re stupid or something.
That’s. Not. All. You know who else was born on March 20th? America’s darling, Hal Linden.
Most known for famously playing Rabbi Isaac Bass in the Supernatural episode “Everyone Hates Hitler.” Well, and it’s best if you’re sitting down, I want you to guess where Supernatural is filmed. I’ll wait. It’s almost too scary to admit, isn’t it?
CLAREMONT BURBANK! At the Warner Bros Studio Headquarters, a short 53 minute drive from Claremont, depending on the time of day and direction of traffic.
I’d keep going but at this point I’m repeating myself. Big Bird is on this campus at all times, and I’ve proven why. Yet, not one word from the elites. I’ve seen Hiram Chodosh and G. Gabrielle Starr getting lunch with the bastard, but without any formal acknowledgement of his omnipresence. It’s perplexing, it’s disturbing, and it’s the most important piece of journalism that this suburb has ever seen.
I’ve begun thinking that he’s more powerful than I thought. Maybe he’s an ancient force, depictions found only in the famous cave paintings of 6th street. I’ve begun getting paranoid. Sometimes I wake up and he’s at the foot of my bed, just watching me. To whoever finds this, never stop questioning. “Ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have.” -Elmo.
I just saw him, he’s hiding behind some douchebag’s corvette on Amherst. He’s staring at me, oh shit he’s walking towards me, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I wasn’t trained for this, he’s, he’s, he’s transformi-