Pomona freshman Antonio Miller just wants to know, “Where the hoes at?”
After getting catfished this summer by a fake Maggie Lindemann Tinder account, Miller put “acquire real big tiddy goth girlfriend” at the top of his college to-do list–pushing “first kiss” to the number two spot. He began his search for “someone to call mommy” by sending a message to the Class of 25 GroupMe saying, “If you look like this, PM me (devil Emoji, water droplet Emoji x2).” Miller followed the message with a Snapchat photo of his dorm room desk which appears to have been converted into a shrine dedicated to the worship of Gwen, an animated character from the TV show Total Drama Island. The caption reads, “Girls like this don’t even exist anymore. Prove me wrong? (monkey see-no-evil Emoji, tongue Emoji)”
Moments later, Miller picked up his phone only to be disappointed by an empty notification screen. This prompted him to throw his phone at the wall and act violently towards his Megan Fox body pillow. Following the tantrum, Miller immediately apologized to the pillow, refluffed it, and nestled it in his arms. The freshman reflects, “With my head burrowed into Megan’s breasts, I thought to myself: Chin up king. You deserve to motorboat a real woman. It was at that moment that I decided to reinvent myself.”
Miller began by getting rid of all his khakis and filling his pants drawer with nothing but Dickies Straight Leg Carpenter Pants. After painting his nails black and piercing his own nipples, his next step was to lose 20 lbs and give himself a nicotine addiction. Stomach empty, nipples tender, and lungs coated with Peaches ‘N Cream e-juice, Miller set out for Big Bridges Auditorium. On the way to his destination, Miller recalls having felt confident and “drippy” while carrying his new weed-themed skateboard and wearing his 2008 Keep A Breast Foundation “I <3 Boobies” t-shirt.
Although Miller sprained both of his ankles on day one of his quest to attract a “biddy”, he persevered–carrying out his mission sans ankle support because it would “eff up the fit.” Miller’s initial skate sessions lasted 24 hrs per day. However, the freshman has since allotted himself 6 hrs per day to vape and/or weep for the purposes of self-care. He maintains that the drastic time cut does not mean he is “not committed to the grind” and that “treating his body like a temple” does not make him a “pussy.” In fact, Miller claims his skate sessions have become much more rewarding: he now knows how to Ollie. His ultimate goal? Miller aims to “full-send a Pop Shove it 360 No Scope Two-Hand Twist in the presence of a bad biddy”. His ankles have now been sprained for two months.
Feeble, fruit-scented, and entirely unsuccessful in his efforts, Miller has somehow managed to remain hopeful. He is still actively seeking his ideal woman: “big boobed and freaky but not like piss kink freaky” and “willing to sit on [his] face.” When asked what message he would like to share with our readers, Miller responded, “I’m just a boy looking for his dominatrix. Please, if you’re out there–show me them tiddies and I’ll make you my queen. If you’re a DD or even just a D, don’t be a stranger–come own this D. Ah ha ha. Pull up to Big Bridges. Please… mommy?”