BREAKING: Marxist Underground Network Exposed at CMC

 

An informant from within this underground subculture has come to The Golden Antlers to expose the troubling things they have seen and heard. They have asked to remain anonymous.

“It’s shocking. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. These students… they’re nothing like you and me….”

Thanks to one informant’s bravery, a complex underground network of radical Marxist students has been exposed at Claremont McKenna College. This vast network, although it contains many sub-groups within it, is loosely affiliated under the name “Marx Basement.” This coalition started gaining power at CMC after a distracted administrator accidentally funded them $11,000 for “construction” in 2009. Apparently, the homophonic but very dissimilar Marks Basement was the intended recipient of the funding. 

All Marx Basement operations happen in the strictest secrecy. According to a leaked logo design from 2012, the nebulous group rallies behind the motto “Civilization weakens with commerce.” This is troubling, to say the least. Things only get more terrifying the deeper we dig. Luckily, our informant was able to document and record some of the goings-on within this well-connected Marxist underground.

Above: plans to use money embezzled from obscure clubs and discretionary funds to maintain secret radicalization programs on campus. These programs usually target first years and disillusioned Robert Day Scholars, seeking to inculcate them with dangerous ideas about property and workers’ rights.

The deeper into the network they got, the more our source realized that they were in over their head. They started to realize that the Marxists had much more radical values than our source had anticipated.

Referring to the secret Communist meetings, which were held at a new location every Wednesday at midnight, our informant said: “I have never been in a room full of scarier people. These students have no empathy for our lifestyles. They want to take away our houses, our lake houses, our guest houses! They are gathering strength and amassing funds—who knows what they might do next?”

In the last meeting our source attended, prominent members of the network discussed their long-term plans for overthrowing ASCMC, removing President Hiram Chodosh from power, and re-establishing the college as the Claremont Marxist Commune, the #2 liberal arts commune in the country (after Pomona).

Let this serve as a call to action for all of us who stand proudly by CMC’s values of capitalism and profit. If we do not get serious about stopping the rise of Marxism on our campus, we will lose more than just our educations and our futures: we will lose our property.

This shocking saga is still unfolding. The Golden Antlers is working in full cooperation with Campus Safety and the Economics department at CMC to get this situation under control. Our informant is under full protection and has been supplied with ample reading material on ethical capitalism.

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