Things between local it-couple Caroline Nyce (Forum Editor-in-Chief) and Sean McQueen (Forum Managing Editor) are heating up, and this time it’s hot off the press!
An anonymous, concerned source told The Golden Antlers that ever since “that girl who is always riding a long board around and that guy who is obsessed with living in Green Pod got divorced, the campus just hasn’t been the same.” Looks like things aren’t so McNyce between the formerly happy couple anymore!
Still, The Golden Antlers was able to score an exclusive interview with McQueen in response to yet another scandal involving this once-mighty power couple. The Golden Antlers received an anonymous tip that the most recent batch of anonymous, trolling, hateful comments were the work of the Managing Editor, McQueen himself.
Said McQueen, “I just want her to love me like she loves reporting on ASCMC every other article, you know?” He continued, explaining to our reporter that no matter how much it hurt him, he adopted poor grammar and elaborate emoticons to reach Caroline “on a level she could understand.” Under the guise of anonymous, McQueen took his Editor-in-Chief and former wife to task.
In a startling turn of events, McQueen imitated at least four different trolls for maximum, Caroline-targeted, annoyance.
Visibly distraught, McQueen explained “I don’t even know what ROFL means! I’ve just been taking a lot of Computer Science classes and it seemed like a hip new term all the guys were using.”
In response to general hatred from the class of 2016 McQueen asked The Golden Antlers to publish his formal apology in which the phrases “come visit Green Pod!” “I will take artsy photographs of you!” and “Have I mentioned that I live in Green Pod?” were mentioned repeatedly.
Perhaps most appalling of McQueen’s comment-based attacks was this all-caps assault:
McQueen agreed that his words were hurtful, but he also told our reporter that his attack prompted some serious self-reflection. “When I impersonated a lit major,” McQueen mourned, “I knew I had hit rock bottom.” After a brief crying spell he continued, “I mean, look how low I stooped! I pretended Literature was a real major. That’s not something you can just come back from, you know?”
Nyce was too busy attempting to censor McQueen’s hurtful comments for a full interview, but she did note, “it sure makes a girl miss the tame days when Charles Johnson’s rants were all we had to deal with.” She then cursed the spirit of Heath Hyatt and rode her longboard off to Poppa Lab where she apparently lives.
In one, final confession, McQueen held back sobs as he admitted, “You know, I don’t even think Remy is that hot! I just wanted to make her jealous.”
Stay tuned for more Golden Gossip: “Aseem Chipalkatti: ASCMC/Forum Love Child?” and “ASCMC Vice President’s Former Hookups Respond Negatively To Being Called ‘The Miles High Club’”
– Clancy Tripp ’15