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Breaking News: Republican Acts Like Republican, Scripps College Responds Like Scripps College.


According to the Claremont Independent, Scripps has uninvited bigot journalist George Will from speaking at the ninth annual Elizabeth Hubert Malott Public Affairs Program after he wrote an article that lamented the “coveted victimhood status” of survivors of sexual assault. No, we’re not fucking kidding.

Scripps administration’s general consensus was that inviting Will to campus would have been “the worst decision we’ve made since we got rid of fresh guacamole at the salad bar.”

“His entourage probably would have been a no-show anyway,” said a certain left-leaning, socialist Politics and International Relations professor who chose to remain unnamed. “And who would we have sat with them at dinner? We would have had to import some of our colleagues from the CMC Government department. Thank God we didn’t go through with it.”

The response from conservative media outlets such as Fox News and Wall Street Journal, who by extension were also uninvited and therefore a wee bit hurt, was also one of massive relief. “I was quite literally prepared to have a mob of progressive, bearded women trying to rip off my toupee,” said Rush Limbaugh. “Not that that hasn’t happened before.”

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“Will is a truth teller, that’s why he was uninvited,” said Glenn Beck, a prominent visionary in contemporary politics. “And over Reagan’s dead body will I see the truth censored, just like Obama’s birth certificate.”

Since the publication of the Claremont Independent article, the comments section has been blowing up with quips from freshmen who have not yet grasped that women’s rights is a bipartisan issue. In fact, everyone from “Former (but longtime) Claremont Resident” to “Penny Robinson Fan Club” is giving their two cents. Now, we’re just waiting for notorious 5C publications’ comments section troll “a.giullani” to join the party.

“Honestly, I don’t know why I give a damn about the internal affairs of colleges I didn’t have the SAT scores to get into, but it gives me something to do between LARPing and watching hentai, ” Giullani once told an underpaid The Student Life content slave. “Quite frankly, they should be paying me – I’m 90% of their views.”

All in all, The Golden Antlers would like to applaud the Claremont Independent for masterfully handling what we like to call The Plight of the Claremont Independent, namely,  “how do we loudly condemn Scripps for uninviting a conservative speaker, but still maintain reputations around campus that allow us to occasionally drop our khaki cargo shorts and solicit pity-blowjobs from liberal arts majors with a social conscience?”

Critics have accused the Scripps Administration of standing by longtime policy of PeekABoo Politics.  Said one hopeful Scripps professor, “As herstory has proven, If we don’t actually allow students to see things they disagree with, those things will stop existing.”

In a surprise turn of events, Scripps’ feminist champion and defender has turned out to be none other than Shannon Miller CMC ‘14. Yeah, “she doesn’t even go here,” but we’re still proud to spill Natty Lights on ourselves at the same mediocre themed parties as her every Saturday night. Or at least in the vicinity.

– Christie Kweon SCR ’15, Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15, Aseem Chipalkatti CMC ’15, Jacksón Smith CMC ’18, and Ender Wiggin CMC ’15


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